Colder
by Yaoi flame
Summary: Sequel To "Cold". What if Eiri can't keep his promise to Shu? What if he's not worth the singer's love? Can Shuichi forgive him? Can Hiro forgive Tohma? Read to find out!
1. Eiri's Confessions

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I own Elnur and Samir's song "Day After Day". I own only this story.**

**AN: Ok, people! I decided to write a sequel to the story "Cold". I hope you'll enjoy it! **

**Colder**

**Chapter 1: Eiri's Confessions**

I'm so confused and sad these days. My inspiration disappeared all of a sudden. Everything I write, I can throw down the toilet. Nothing is good enough.

I look at him and he looks at me and I know he understands. I know he knows all my darkest secrets only by looking in my eyes. He's good at reading them and I know that there isn't a single thing that he cannot discover by looking into them.

I know he knows and I know that he's sad. I know that his love will turn into hate, for when I look into those amethyst depths, I see endless pain and disbelief.

He is my entity, though, but I've never learned to commit to one person only and he is aware of that fact. I close my eyes, for I cannot bear to look at him, all broken, pretending that nothing is happening and that this is just another ordinary day.

"Lacking inspiration?" he asks and I have to look at him, in order to answer his question. He knows me too well. I am not enigma anymore.

"Sort of." I reply, emotionless tone in my voice and bitterness on my tongue.

Such a contradictory to love someone, yet to betray them. I cannot describe how much the boy (well, a grown up man now) means to me and how much he helps me to get through all my depressions and writer's blocks.

I'm so grateful, I'm so in love, yet I cannot make myself to commit only to him, to adore his body only and nobody else's. And he knows my secret.

He knows, and he forgives and that makes me more sorrowful than before, it makes me hate myself.

I tried to kill myself once, by cutting my vanes, but he was there, all in tears, tying my wrists with some white clothes. As I was watching the white cloth becoming red, I knew that that was love and nothing else; the purest, the brightest, the real one. Sure, anybody could and would try to help me, but his desperate cries made me distinguish his devotion from other people's.

He didn't love me.

He adored me.

HE worshiped me.

He still does.

But can you imagine what is like to wake up every morning, knowing that you're a scum, a worthless scum, who has someone so precious.

Shuichi knows, yet he never makes a scene. He never acknowledges that he knows.

And that's killing me. He's desperately trying to persuade himself that this isn't happening, that I'm not cheating on him, that everything is in a perfect order. But I'm not fine with it.

Every time I wake up, he's not beside me. We stopped having sex or even kissing. He says that he's too busy with the band, therefore is so tired. But I know that he's disgusted, utterly, utterly disgusted with me. I know he's afraid of some kind of a disease that I might have.

The very thought that he's disgusted with me hurts me. I know that I don't have any rights to be hurt, yet it's killing me from the inside. I am an asshole and I'm not proud of it anymore. But I cannot stop being one.

Shuichi is distant and disappointed. I promised I would change and I believed in my promise. But I suppose that a man shouldn't give another shot to a bastard such as me. I simply do not deserve to be happy and loved.

Shuichi never cries, never expresses any kind of his current emotional status within his songs. They rather seem cheerful. The crowd is happy we're happy. If only they knew what's behind the façade.

Shuichi is not as he used to be before.

He's much more mature now. I'm so proud of him.

"You're in perfect health", the doctor told me. I decided I would stop cheating on Shuichi, so I went to the doctor to check if everything is fine with me.

That was a month ago. But I couldn't get rid of my old and very terrifying habit.

I know that Shuichi knows everything. He knows my eyes. He knows my soul.

I heard the other day on a radio a recent song of his. It tells about devil and angel, who are on each side of the person's shoulder, telling them what to do. I suppose that I was always led by devil.

_For peace we pray_

_Save us from all fears_

_Oh Lord! Save us!_

Shuichi's philosophy of life was always something that amused me the most. From a rebellious brat he started thinking about more mature things. This song seemed so religious to me.

I know that Shuichi changes every time he's in big psychological crisis.

_You can feel me in your mind_

_With every breath you take_

_Burn the earth by flame of sins_

_I'll make you feel dismay_

He knows all my sins and what tempts me the most. He knows how to deal with his anger. Shuichi's philosophy of angel and devil that represent conscience is a bit cliché, but he shows it in a unique way, throughout this song, through my example.

_Our feelings play with us_

_But you must keep yourself under control_

_If you're searching for resolves_

_Be ready for the tolls_

I can read between the lines and I know that he's up to something. He shows no hurt, but I know it is there.

I cheat on Shuichi and he knows.

_Show us the right way_

_Day after day_

_All fears we must forget_

_Then better world we'll get_

But somehow he manages to be cheerful and his old self. I admire him.

He's so beautiful, like an icon. He is saint to me, yet I destroy him.

_If you have the greatest aim_

_Keep it in your soul_

_I'll be always by your side_

_Always in your heart_

He possesses the fire of indescribable strength and energy; he is so full of life; he flies to the stars and back with his voice, with his trembling lashes and dancing tears.

Shuichi never cries.

But somehow, his soul does and I can see it.

_Our dreams can play with us_

_Even if we think that we keep control_

_From all horrors in the world_

_Salvation is love!_

I love my small lover. I love him so much that I can barely stand it. Yesterday, his voice on the radio was so powerful. I realized that his voice is the only thing that keeps me in life.

_The earth in flame_

_And you must share the blame_

Tonight I'm meeting with Veronica. Such a juicy ass and puss and everything else! And then, tomorrow, I'm meeting Aizawa Taki, the man who raped Shuichi with bunch of others.

_Look inside yourself_

_We both are there_

_Day after day_

There is no voice to tell me otherwise.

I'm gonna fuck up his pretty face and do all other stuff. I'm gonna destroy him. This time, for real. At least one good deed from my part.

It is sad, isn't it?

---

**AN: Well, that would be it for this chapter. I want this story to be successful as its prequel, so I would appreciate if you review.**

**I will continue this if I receive at least 4 reviews per chapter (I'm not asking much, aren't I?).**


	2. Shuichi's Obliviousness

**AN: Since you were better than I expected, I decided to give you this short little chapter, something kinda like an intro into the story. I hope you'll enjoy it!**

**Please make sure to review afterwards! You all know how much it means to one fan fiction writer. **

**Colder**

**Chapter 2: Shuichi's Obliviousness**

Man! I'm so exhausted these days! I cannot even breathe properly. All I do is just go to the studio and then go home, all tired, and just dive my face into the pillows. Oh, how I crave for the warmth and body of my lover, to feel him inside me, to feel his powerful manhood tear me into the pieces, making me feel painful joy.

I feel like a tear stained rainbow after the heavy rain. I'm so happy from the outside, and so tired from the inside.

I'm trying to write something that could be of good quality, such was the song "Day After Day", but I cannot concentrate. I look at Eiri (he finally accepted us working together in the same study!). He seems to be in a deep thought, which happens only when he's lacking inspiration.

"Lacking inspiration?" I asked, wanting him to feel better.

"Sort of." he replies, with some strange tone in his voice. He must be very tired. The deadline is approaching very quickly.

It is sad how the writer interweave his soul into his work and then remains drained, unhappy…depressed. Eiri gave too much of himself and now he has nothing. He is nothing. I understand that state of his mind. I understand, for I know how the crisis of that sort looks like. It seems that it took its toll well this time.

Poor Eiri! If I wasn't this much tired, I would give him a sex to remember! But I just can't.

I saw some papers a moth ago, concerning his urological health. He went to check on all his sexual functions and tested himself on all diseases. It seems that he's concerned for his functions now when we're not sleeping together. I can see in his eyes how he has changed so much, how he worries about me and I'm glad. I'm glad that Yuki Eiri, for once, has kept his promise.

But I see how much this deadline is destructive. My writer's eyes are so sad, so lost, so…And I'm afraid to ask him anything more.

"I'll be out tomorrow." he says. "Don't wait for me for dinner. I have to talk to my editor."

"Oh. Ok." I say. I see a struggle in his eyes. It must be very serious then, when he looks as if somebody killed his entire family. My poor writer!

I'm having a business dinner tomorrow, at a restaurant "Yume". It is the restaurant which is ranked first on the top 10 list of Japanese restaurants. It has five stars and I enjoy its food. That's where Eiri and I went when we made up several months ago. He fucked my brains out then. And he even let me fuck him!

I can still remember his skin against mine, so warm and welcoming…I saw his soul crawling and begging to be forgiven…

I'd give everything to stop being tired and feel again the bliss of Eiri's body and soul, for we are like one entity. I just need him so much…

His lips, his flexible hips…his stamina, his screams and groans and moans and…

If only I wasn't so tired…

---

**TBC…? You know the condition! ^^**


	3. Yume

**Colder**

**Chapter 3: Yume**

It was bliss for my eyes, to see her cream-white skin, such a perfect dream that makes me fantasize. I was curious to find out what was beneath her underwear and was it easy to take off her black satin dress.

I touched her hand and she looked at me devilishly, knowing the same thing I knew.

I reserved the hotel room, but it was too late now.

"In five minutes" she said and went in the direction where toilet was.

I was impatient. My loins were burning and my heart was pounding like a heart of a wild animal. I wanted to ravish her, to enjoy in her delicious body, to love her the way only _I_, the sexy, brilliant novelist, can possibly love a woman.

The five minutes expired.

I entered the toilet, threw her at the counter, next to the sink, pulled her dress up, tearing her beautiful, black, barely noticeable, thongs. I entered her and she was wet, that whore, was already wet and we didn't even have a prelude. Nor did we have time for such thing.

But somewhere inside, my remorse was screaming at me and I was just ignoring it.

'This is not you!' it said, the better version of myself. 'Why are you doing this to Shuichi? He never deserved such thing! You will never find somebody so in love with you, so devoted to you…'

The bitch was moaning and I was thrusting deeper and deeper, to silence the voice inside my head, my true self, my conscience. I hated it.

I told Shuichi I was meeting with my editor…

What a liar! But that moment, I only cared to come, to come hard, and that was the only thing that mattered to me.

And then she screamed, like all the women screamed when I tore their pussies apart and make them swollen, pulsing, bright red and full of me. But here eyes never showed joy. She seemed rather terrified.

And I looked around, to see Shuichi standing there is shock.

What an irony, I remembered just then, that we made love at this same toilet, on the same counter, when we got back together.

Shuichi just closed the door and left. Like nothing happened. He never made a scene, as I expected.

My Shuichi has grown up…

---

I'm currently sitting in my study and he comes and sits in front of me.

"The sofa or the bed?" he asks calmly, as if it is the normal thing.

I hate myself!

I clear my throat and choose the sofa.

"Don't worry, tomorrow you'll have the whole apartment for yourself." he says.

"Shuichi, wait…" I stand up; I want to say something, anything. I want to say that I'm sorry and to curse myself, whatever, just to ease myself. He wouldn't believe me anyway.

He closes the door behind him, soundlessly. I lean my ear to the door and I hear him sit on the mattress. But I don't hear sobs. Shuichi doesn't cry…

---

I destroyed my yume, my perfect boy, my harmony. But I just can't stop. Just can't stop…

'Are you happy now, Eiri?' the voice shouts at me.

"I guess you never loved me enough to care about me." Shuichi tells me the next day, with his luggage already packed. He is ready to leave.

He's a great star now; he can afford to live alone and not to share the bed with Hiro anymore. But that's totally irrelevant thing now.

Why doesn't he leave already?! I can't stand him here, for he's my hand's deed. I created him like this, sorrowful, sorrowful, awfully empty.

But he stands still and his eyes are dry. He looks at me insolently.

"But that doesn't matter, really, for I wanted to break up with you anyway. I just didn't know how." he says and chuckles, "Thank you for giving me a reason! This relationship was a real burden."

I don't believe his words. I don't _want_ to believe.

"Do you…really think that, Shuichi?"

"Yeah. Actually, I realized I stopped loving you as soon as I slept with Hiro back then."

But he cried and was broken and was…was…

"But…"

'It's alright, Eiri, really!" he says cheerfully.

Is it possible that he…?

"But, Shuichi…I slept with another woman…And you didn't care?"

"Why would I?" he chuckles again. "Why, when I was doing the same thing?"

He's been cheating on me…as well?! No! It can't be! _ My_ Shuichi would never cheat on me! He is devoted only to me and loves me only!

"I don't believe you." I say as I stand up to open the door.

"Tatsuha?" I am surprised to see my younger brother. Behind him is Ryuichi. "Ryuichi?"

"Is Shu ready to leave?"

"Yup! I am!" he rushes towards them and…both of them give him one big kiss, with the tongue!

He's gone…with them…

I collapse to the floor, in disbelief, heartbroken and alone…again.

When I killed Kitazawa, I swore I'd only take care of my own pleasure. I've never cared for others since then. The pupils of my eyes are gone…

I am blind bastard! My deeds, my words…He never came first to me, and I was always first in his agenda. He was able to cancel his concerts for me, to give up on the century's deals just to be with me, how come he's been cheating on me all of a sudden?

My Shuichi…

What have I done?!

I take a whisky and some meds to keep me in life, to ease my pain…

I'm a bastard…

---

TBC…?


	4. Makebelieve

AN: Well, there you go, the 4th chapter. I thought of it as a New Year gift.

Please make sure to review. ^^

**Colder**

**Chapter 4: Make-believe**

Sakuma Ryuichi had arranged a meeting at the restaurant "Yume" with some important people involving music industry. It meant a lot, although Bad Luck was already famous and powerful. But extra support couldn't hurt, right?

I was so thrilled to meet such great producers and some of quality musicians who were interested in buying lyrics I wrote. Extra profit is always welcome.

"Yume" had a special meaning to me. It was like a dream, the day I went out with Yuki there and he fucked me so perfectly. It must sound raw when I put it that way. But somehow, that intercourse had more meaning than mere physical.

As I was sitting with my new associates, smiling at them genuinely, for I really came to like them in such a short period of time, I was praying that Yuki's meeting with his editor was going well.

I hated seeing him like that- always tired, sitting before the laptop, yet never writing a thing.

The wine was helping me get through the pressure of it all. I was endlessly grateful to Ryuichi for helping my band.

He had told me something that Hiro had never dared to tell me. Tohma was seriously ill. Hiro's mask was so perfect; it revealed none of his sadness (if he was feeling it at all). I would glance at him from the corner of my eye every now and then, looking for any kind of reaction, anything in those, always so warm and sincere, eyes. I found nothing, as if Hiro never knew him, therefore never cared.

Sometimes, when a person is so hurt, they cannot express sadness and pain they feel. That has to do with their psychical defense; something that brain does in order to keep the person sane and still.

You don't know whether it is worse if they show any suffer, or if they don't.

I excused myself and headed to the toilet. The wine did its job and my bladder was about to explode.

As I was approaching, I could hear soft female moans. I smiled. It reminded me of Yuki's and mine makeup several months ago. But it could possibly be someone with digestive problems. I could easily be wrong.

I opened the door just a little, and saw a blond man fucking the Japan's top model. I just chuckled and wanted to leave, but then she saw me and screamed. Then the man turned to see why she was screaming.

The shock was mutual for both him and me. For the man was Yuki himself.

I cannot say that I was surprised, nor I can say that I wasn't. With Eiri, you never knew. But I was in denial, I guess, or I trusted him blindly. Whatever, I just did what I had intended before she screamed. I just closed the door and left.

Hiro and Ryu immediately knew, by my terrified face, what I had just seen. They knew, for nothing could possibly terrify me if it wasn't something which involved Eiri. I didn't have to say them a thing. They immediately called the meeting over, but it was fine, since we had already made a deal and had signed contracts.

In the limo I just said:" With a fuckin' Japan's top model!" and nothing more.

My throat was closed and I was barely breathing. No tears, no sobs, no nothing.

I couldn't even move. I was a puppet. I was a plant. I was so paralyzed, so inanimate. I was an imitation of a human being.

There was no pain. I thought I was dead.

Ryuichi was furious. I could hear him swear and curse Eiri. Suguru was trying to calm him down, while Hiro was just holding me, putting his personal tragedy aside, to mourn together with me over my broken heart.

I couldn't react. My friends were reacting to the situation instead of me. They were my skin and soul, my dried eyes.

"Shuichi…You can stay at our place" offered Ryuichi when he calmed down.

His eyes were warm and kind and he gave me Kumagoro.

"Here. He'll warm you." he said gently, his words full of friendly love and affection.

He warmed my heart and I was desperately trying to recover as soon as possible. I was just repeating in my head: "C'est la vie"1 the comforting voice was saying: "It was inevitable. You must _not_ give up on life!"

The voice was right. I could not afford to fall once again, to go through all of that.

We all went to Ryuichi's.

Tatsuha couldn't comprehend his brother's actions, but was calmed and seemed, emotionless.

He was still very young (not younger than me, but we still considered him a kid), but he was my support. He was the one to fight for Eiri and me to be together.

"You're the same as Ryu and I" he would say sometimes. But the difference was, they were faithful to one another.

In one moment, can't remember when, for I had lost the sense of time, Tatsuha sat next to me. I realized just then that we were in Ryuichi and his bedroom, and we were sitting on their bed.

"This is what we are going to do" he said calmly with high determination in his voice. "Go back there and sleep there. Don't allow him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt. Make-believe, Shu, is the only weapon you have. It's the most powerful one…" he whispered, caressing my cheek.

I slowly turned to look at him.

"How…can I?" I gulped, barely managing to speak.

"Please, do it for me. Hurt him." Tatsuha grabbed my hands. "Tomorrow, Ryuichi and I will come to pick you up. You will pretend you are glad for his adultery, for you were doing the same."

I was staring at him in disbelief. What the hell was he saying?!

"But why?"

Tatsuha seemed rather restless and angry.

"For he is Uesugi as much as I am and I'm ashamed of him. I won't let my brother destroy a friend of mine."

"You don't need to…"

"He disappointed me. And I love you like my own brother…Cannot explain…But this hit me hard." Tatsuha was sad, I could see. "Please, Shu…"

At least I had friendship to rely on. At least one bright thing.

The plan was about to realize. And I wanted my revenge. That was all that mattered all of a sudden. I never believed that love could turn into hate. I guess I was naïve.

The deal was when they come, they would kiss me with tongue. And Eiri would believe me then.

---

Ryuichi dropped me to our place, looked at me and smiled with his thumbs up.

"You can do it" he said. But his smile was forced. I could clearly see that he was sad.

Why the people were so hit by something that Yuki had done to _me_? Was it possible that they loved me _that_ much?

I enter and take my shoes off, feeling an airwave hit my feet. The sensation is pleasant. I feel somehow calm and confident; despite the fact that I think this is the end of world. It must be some kind of shock, I suppose. My body does to me exactly the same thing Hiro's body is doing to him. I'm completely relaxed, as if somebody gave me anesthesia. I feel nothing at all. I'm all numb.

I find Yuki in his study. I enter quietly and take a seat before him. He looks at me.

"The sofa or the bed?" I ask flatly, as if it is the most normal thing in the universe.

He says nothing for about ten seconds, but then he clears his throat.

"The sofa" he says. I expected him to beg for forgiveness, although I knew that was not in his nature. Somehow, I was still hoping, like I always do, that the miracle would happen to us. I just want to forget, to forgive, and move on. If only the pride wasn't in the way.

I feel kind of pissed by his answer. "Don't worry, tomorrow you'll have the whole apartment for yourself." I manage to say calmly, but I am really on the edge. Bitterness is burning my throat and I exit his study in order not to make any mistakes. The plan must be perfect, by any cost.

My soul is decaying.

I head to the room. He stands up.

"Shuichi, wait…"he says, but I don't look back, I just close the door behind.

Pretending is more difficult that I thought it would be. But I feel glad for he collected his guts to say at least something. Whether he feels sorry or not, this warmed my heart a little. I am more determined now to destroy him. I don't know if that is going to make me feel better or worse, or it will do nothing at all, but I am ready to go to the very the end. I must fight. I must be strong.

I sit on the bed, thinking how to survive till tomorrow. This is only the beginning. The battle is to come soon. I know I cannot sleep, not after all of this, so I go to the bathroom and take some sleeping pills. Only two of them. I want to be fresh in the morning. The make-believe thing must work in order for me to break him.

When the person is hurt, they try their best to hurt the ones that hurt them, no matter how it costs. They become predators, sadists, evil, twisted creatures, whose soul is crippled, scarred, and burned.

I feel so crippled. I feel so betrayed.

---

I moved my, already packed, luggage in the living room and went to make myself some coffee. Despite the pills, I was unable to sleep last night.

I feel that I have to tell something to Eiri. Something that would show him how I really feel, how he's destroyed me. I go to the living room.

"I guess you never loved me enough to care about me." I say and my brain starts panicking. I must remain cold, distant, but happy and relieved at the same time. _ I _have the satisfaction of leaving _him_. Eiri must be the one to suffer. I reminded myself of that fact very quickly.

I must not break right now…

I observe his reactions. He's processing my words. Here's the chance to correct myself.

"But that doesn't matter, really, for I wanted to break up with you anyway. I just didn't know how." I add and I can already see his reaction. Eiri and his stupid pride! As if he has one! I chuckle. "Thank you for giving me a reason! This relationship was a real burden."

He kind of frowns. And, whatever was making him impatient just a minute ago, disappeared from his face. He looks kind of offended or something. This is the n-th time I'm leaving him. That makes him bad boyfriend and lover. He's nothing without me and he knows that.

"Do you…really think that, Shuichi?" he hesitates. He is hurt and I'm glad. But still, it hurts me to see him hurt. Heart is one problematic, unnecessary thing.

"Yeah. Actually, I realized I stopped loving you as soon as I slept with Hiro back then." I say, knowing how much he's making a fuss over that even nowadays. But, in fact, that sex with Hiro was one of my biggest mistakes. I almost destroyed such a wonderful friendship.

I became such a good liar in such a short time. Too much exposure to show business, I suppose.

"But…" he tries to say. He is stunned. I made it! I just have to hold on just a bit, and then I will break, when nobody sees it.

The pain is already unbearable.

"It's alright, Eiri, really!" I say cheerfully, trying to cover my real state.

"But, Shuichi…I slept with another woman…And you didn't care?" he just cannot comprehend. He's so full of himself! He makes my blood boil and I want to strangle him. But I must hold on…

"Why would I?" I chuckle again. I hate when I do it, for this isn't how I feel at all. I'm not cheerful at all, for fuck's sake! "Why, when I was doing the same thing?" here comes another lie, fluent like a song, coming from my mouth. The greatest lie of all. I hate myself! Oh, how I feel dirty for saying such things. I would never do something like that to Yuki. He's the only one for me…I mean, he _was_

"I don't believe you." he says and just as I thought it was over with my charade, the bell rings.

Eiri stands up and heads to open the door.

"Tatsuha? Ryuichi?" I hear him say. I sigh in relief.

"Is Shu ready to leave?" I hear Tatsuha say. I run straight to the door, to give Eiri what he deserves.

"Yup! I am!" I shout and then Tatsuha grabs me, kissing me passionately. The same does Ryuichi once when Tatsu is done. Some of them take my luggage and we leave all of this behind, hoping that I will forget one day…

But I didn't manage to see Yuki's reaction to kisses…That was the only thing that could satisfy me. His pain for my happiness…

---

_**The next day**_

"_**The News of the Day!**_

_Aizawa Taki, the ASK singer, was brutally beaten up by famous novelist, Yuki Eiri, while he was exiting the nightclub "Stars". Several bodyguards tried to separate them, but the infuriated novelist was unstoppable. Taki has several broken ribs, a concussion, and a broken arm and is hospitalized. His state is currently stable. _

_Taki told us that he had been invited by Yuki himself, to a meeting, to discuss about cooperation between ASK and Nittle Grasper. Yuki told him that it was Seguchi Tohma who had sent him. It was all obviously some kind of trap, since the meeting ended like this._

'_**It was kinda strange, for Nittle Grasper doesn't play anymore' says Taki. 'But I thought that they might have reunited.' **__  
_

_Yuki Eiri is under custody now and the bail for him is about 500 000 dollars. He refused to comment anything. "_

---

TBC…?

1 For those who don't know, it's a French expression: "That is life"


	5. Unexpected Alliances

**Colder**

**Chapter 5: Unexpected Alliances**

It is strange how love can turn into hate. But it means that you still feel something for that person. So the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

You feel nothing when you see that particular person, you feel nothing at all. That's the best thing when it comes to indifference. If only the human beings were capable of shutting off all the emotions they have. Indifference is always the best option.

But if you can't feel indifference, you have to pretend you feel it. you'd give everything to hurt the person that hurt you.

But it is hard to move on. It is so damn hard.

And now I hear that the jerk beat up Taki. Why did he do that? He thinks I would fall for that? No, thanks, I'm not that stupid.

I enter the hospital and the nurses recognize me automatically, asking me to give them my autograph. Now I know how the jerk feels when the fans are all around him.

But I politely reject them, saying I would sign whatever they wanted as soon as I visit Taki.

They only exchange looks and take me to his room. I hate when fans speculate about things they know nothing about and make a big deal of it. Haven't they heard that curiosity killed the cat?

Taki mustn't see desperation in my eyes or behavior.

"Taki, PLEASE, don't sue Yuki!!!"

Oh, well. That was way too obvious. I guess that people sometimes lose the ability to pretend.

He only blinks obviously surprised. He opens his mouth to say something, but he seems rather shocked. He opens them and closes them several times in a row, before finally speaking.

"And give me one reason why wouldn't I, Shindou?" he is arrogant son of a bitch even when in pain. He is sitting in is hospital bed, frowning, for his ribs must be hurting like hell.

"Well…" I'm starting to stutter, for I mustn't allow humiliating myself. I have to think twice before I say a thing. I left the jerk, and in a matter of seconds, the news spread like fire. And it was only two days ago.

Taki must be thinking, what the hell I am doing here, begging him to not sue the jerk.

"Because, well…"

"You still love him, don't you?" he asks, as if reading my mind. I frown.

"Now why would you think that?" I shake my head, trying to mask my real emotions again. Taki mustn't know how dead I feel.

"Well, you sacrificed yourself for him, when we…you know…" he hesitated, as if he's ashamed. Yet I don't believe in such thing when it comes to him. "I mean, it wouldn't be the first time you sacrificed for him…"

"No. I just don't want more scandals involving him and me." I say coldly.

He's a bit confused by my behavior. He's clearly not used to me in this light.

If only he knew how bitter I feel inside.

"Ok, then 50 000 per each rib, and 60 000 for my arm. I'll forgive you the concussion." he says. The same old Taki.

"Ok. No problem. I'll tell Sakano to transfer the money to your account." I say, not believing how cold I sound.

"We have a deal then" he grins, his eyes full of greed. Sometimes I think that he would sell his soul jut to get money.

I shake his healthy hand.

"I guess I'll see you soon" I say, winking, as I'm exiting his room. I suddenly remember another way to hurt Yuki.

---

I remember the feeling very well. I would ask and Yuki's answer would always be negative. The deal was that if any of us cheat on the other, we would say to the other and the matter would be considered.

"If you really regretted it, I would forgive you" Eiri said then.

Every time I found Yuki's behavior strange, I would ask, and Eiri would always become a living fire.

"How can you say something like that?! How dare you to not believe me?!" he was all offended. And all the doubts inside me would disappear in a second.

But then again, the peace in my heart never lasted long. Every time there was a doubt and a constant debate between the two of us. Yuki would always win, saying that he wouldn't be the one to destroy our relationship.

Eiri was a good liar and manipulator. But my love for him was eternal.

Day after day the succession of disappointments was bigger, but I was trying to ignore them as much as possible.

I realized that no matter how much I asked, how stubborn I was, and how thoroughly and cunningly I was questioning him; the answer would always be the same.

I realized that I would never get a confession, that without solid evidence I would never prove that Yuki was either faithful or unfaithful.

I was stuck. I was trapped because my suspicions were killing me, and were probably justified; but if I attacked or accused the jerk, and it proved I was wrong, I could lose him.

And I was living in a pure agony full of anticipation and sorrow…Until that day at "Yume", when all my suspicions were cleared.

At least I know now where I am with him.

It's over…For good…

But now, I am determined to hurt him even more than I planned.

---

He's looking at me with his big eyes…They looked so friendly and warm…But now they seem helpless.

"Are you alright?" he asks me and I just nod. Something is telling me that I must not be self-centered now.

He suffers, I can see it…

"Have you visited Tohma?"

His eyes widen.

"Who told you…?"

"Does it matter now?" I look at him seriously.

A long silence. He can't look at me. His eyes never opened, as if he's in big remorse.

"I can't make myself go see him…"

And I know how it is…When love turn into hate and your pride takes over…

Is Tohma in danger?

"He will die, Shuichi. He needs a new heart."

I thought it was something like that.

"Tsk…Gotta go now…" he seems so distracted. He leaves me alone in my new, enormous apartment…

Every sound echoes, reminding me how lonely I am. How helpless I am. And it's been only two days…

I mourn over our lost loves…

How lame excuse for a man I am…

---

TBC…?


	6. Heartless

**Colder:**

**Chapter 6: Heartless**

The white walls remind me of death. As I listen to tapping of my footsteps against the white marble floor, I feel nausea. Do I really have to do this?

It's so sterile, everything around me. They think the place looks peaceful painted in white. They think it looks like haven for those who're healing, so they can just sail away from everything once they're healthy again.

But no. it actually pushes you towards the death.

And those bitches-they look at me as if I'm some kind of a God. They already have their notebooks prepared, or a piece of paper, or a napkin in one, and a pen in another hand. As if I'm there to give them my autograph.

They must be in some kind of a fluffy trance, for seeing Yuki Eiri with a bouquet of flowers in right hand and a fruit basket in my left.

'Ah, he's gonna visit his brother-in-law!' they probably whisper among themselves, hoping for a yaoi twist. For fuck's sake, the man is dying out there!

I just ignore them.

Finally, I'm there. I can see Mika, my sister, Tohma's ex wife, sitting next to his bed, chatting with him.

Tohma has some tubes all around him and some strange monitors.

But he looks fine. He's smiling, as always. And it hurts me to the core to see how much he's pretending that nothing is bad at all.

He's the one who kept me from insanity, after all. Maybe his ways were twisted, but still. He was there. And now it's my turn to be there for him.

This is his second month here. And it's been a month since Shuichi left me. I deserved it, I know.

I hate all of this, how much of a failure I am. And I hate the fact the people around me aren't happy as well.

Mika turns around and sees me. Then she turns to Tohma, kisses his forehead and gets up.

She passes next to me on her way out, only glancing at me before she says: "Wanna have lunch together after this?" I nod and enter the room.

---

Nakano Hiroshi entered after me, shyly, hesitantly. I could see a blush on his face. He didn't say a word to me. He just sat next to Tohma. That's all I saw.

I'm recalling Tohma's and mine conversation from just a minute ago, while Mika quietly walks next to me.

"_Do you really love Shuichi?" Tohma asked. I coughed. _

"_I'm not here to discuss such things. I came to see you." I said._

"_You're acting as if I'm gonna die." he chuckles. I knew it was just a show. He knew, and I knew, that he would die in a couple of weeks if they didn't find a donor. I was scared. Perhaps it was better to play along and talk about my failure as a lover._

"_You're right. You will get out of here; it is the matter of days." I smiled at him. _

I was walking peacefully through the corridor, when I accidentally turned my head to the right.

"_So…? Do you love him?"_

"_You know I do."_

"_So why such things, Eiri-san?" he asked, his smile wiped from his, usually happy, face._

I can see the pink hair through the glass of one hospital room.

It's Shuichi, no mistaking! He's chatting with Aizawa Taki…And jumps on him, claiming his lips.

A dark eye is looking at me, never breaking the kiss.

I mustn't lower my head…But I close my eyes instead, glued to one spot, unable to walk. Mika looks at me, annoyed.

"Eiri?" she waves her hands before my eyes. I snap out of trance.

I want to go separate them, to tell them horrible things and break those bones of Shuichi's rapist again.

Shuichi is kissing his RAPIST! That slut! That fucking slut!

I can't believe…

But I carry on; I must not humiliate myself…

---

"_I don't know, Tohma" I said honestly. I couldn't stand this interrogating. "I guess I'll see you around." I said and left the room, passing by nervous Nakano. _

Do I really love the brat? Why was I cheating on him?

But he kissed Taki, that ungrateful son of a bitch. I just wanted to revenge my Shu by killing the bastard, but they imprisoned me…

Luckily, there was Mika to take care of things…And K. If it were not for them, I would probably rot in there, and I would go through a trial. This way, with help of K's Magnum, the things ran smoothly.

But I never thanked him…

So, do I really love Shuichi? I guess I do, even more than I should, for I feel heartache.

I feel a terrible heartache and remorse. But I know it's too late.

I don't blame him he was cheating on me as well, with Ryuichi and Tatsuha. I deserved it. But TAKI???!!!!!!!!!!!!

People are passing by the restaurant. I envy them for their ordinary life.

My sister seems very concerned for me. I can't look at her.

"It's never late to go to the Father's temple and continue his work. He's still waiting, you know." she says, but I just snort at that.

I can't just run away when things aren't running smoothly. I mustn't do that anymore.

---

---

---

"Just look at you, you slut! All you will ever get is AIDS! Never hope for more, Shuichi! Aizawa Taki, no less!"

I ran into my fluffy ex lover in the public WC.

He just blinks quirking an eyebrow.

"Please don't make a scene, Yuki." he says, only passing by me.

I just stand there. I…I just can't…I just can't comprehend…

My Shuichi is…heartless…? And he's not even _mine_ anymore.

Did I make him heartless…?

---

TBC…


	7. Of Pride and Forgiveness

**AN:** Hi, guys! It's been a while, but I'm back! Some bad and some great things happened to me during this period. If there weren't for **Crimson-Blood-Demoness** to support me, I would have gone insane. But, thanks to her, who was giving her best to help me, I am happy again for I realized how good friend she is. She even dedicated some chapters and one entire story to me!

Since she lives so far, I can only thank her by dedicating this chapter to her, and I hope that she'll enjoy reading it! Of course, I hope that all of you are will enjoy this! And please, make sure to _**review**_ after reading.

Love you all!

Now, on with the story.

**Colder**

**Chapter 7: Of Pride and Forgiveness**

"Hiro, we've been through this, already." I say to my friend. "If Seguchi is dying, then this is your last chance to forgive him." I shake his shoulders. "Are you aware that there is no time for your moral codes?!"

He looks at me. He's scared.

"But…I can't forgive him this time! He was ashamed of me! And what makes you think he would like to see me?" he swallowed. "If he was ashamed of me, and that only means that he doesn't love me and doesn't want me in his life. I don't want to spoil these last few months he has."

I already knew all of that. But sometimes Hiro is the one who acts childish, not me. And it hurts me to see him like this. It's been…a month since I moved away and found this beautiful penthouse. I wanted to start all over again. But I can't leave my best friend behind. He must carry on as well.

I owe to Tatsu and Ryu for saving my pride. I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for them. This way, Yuki can only die because I harmed his image of a heartbreaker.

And, when I think better, I don't care anymore. There are more important things than heartaches.

"Hiro…" I sigh. It is impossible to explain some simple things to him sometimes. "I'm sorry for telling you this, but…Have you ever tried to talk to him about that? Maybe he had good reasons to drop your hand in a street full of people."

"I don't…"

"Maybe it was harming your career to be with a man. Maybe it was too dangerous. Maybe somebody was threatening to him or you? Perhaps there are thing that he didn't want you to know. I think he was protecting you."

He looks at me once again.

"You think so?"

Well, it's time for the truth. I never wanted to tell that to him, but what the hell. Who was I to hide things from him? I always knew that the chances for him to listen to my opinion, totally opposing to his, were small.

But now, under these circumstances, I had to try.

"Yes. You know…You remind me of me sometimes. Sometimes I was so furious that that really blinded my vision. I couldn't see the situation from a different angle. And that was making the things harder. It proved I was wrong many, many times." I said seriously.

He is stunned by my discovery. He says nothing, so I continue.

"It was very hard for me and Eiri to get out of closet, you know. I mean, yaoi fans are something totally different. There are so many of them, but there are homophobes as well. You never know with them." I take a sip of my sake. "We came across many homophobes, but luckily for us, there was no damage. But…Maybe you two came across a great threat."

"Yes…it is possible…" Hiro nods. I know he never thought that way before. It's a totally new revelation for him.

"Anyway, that's only my presumption." I add, pouring more sake into my bowl. "I'm visiting Taki today…So I thought…Tohma is there as well, and if you want, you can come with me."

I can see Hiro blush. The very thought of seeing Tohma makes him impatient. The very thought of a new start, even if it is a little late, is waking hope inside of him. And his eyes are so wide and so shiny all of a sudden. I never knew that the hope is so easy to wake.

"So…Taki, eh?" he changes the subject. He decided to tease me, I see.

I concentrate on my sake.

"Well...It appears he's a pretty nice guy."

"Oh?" Hiro looks at me, a little concerned. "I thought that he raped you? I thought you hate him? Or is it because it was Yuki who injured him, so you can forgive him all of a sudden?"

"No! It's not that at all!" I justify myself. But I know that Hiro's right. I befriended with Taki just to hurt Yuki. But that was in the beginning. Now, when I spent some time with him, I realized that he was really a nice guy. Yes, he was jealous of Bad Luck's success, and yes, he did what he did, but I can't be mad at him forever.

He deserves another chance, after all.

"Then what is it?"

"Well, yeah, we befriended. Why not?" Yuki injured him pretty badly. But Taki should go home in a few days. At least I hope so. "Believe it or not, but we became really good friends." I nod to convince my suspicious friend.

Hiro, obviously not in a mood to discuss such thing, just sighs, rolling his eyes. "Whatever you say. So, when are we going?"

---

We are in a hospital. Of course, it has the familiar scent. I can only imagine how Hiro feels. His undying love for Tohma is something extraordinary. And I understand that he had to draw a line somewhere, that he couldn't forgive anymore. Although Tohma's deeds were less severe than Yuki's, I can understand Hiro. Who would want to have a boyfriend who was ashamed of them? Hiro was right. But still, what if Tohma wasn't ashamed?

We can't understand our lover's actions sometimes. We think they are stupid, wrong. But sometimes there is a noble intention behind them. In this case, maybe Tohma was really protecting Hiro?

I wonder what the hell Yuki was thinking he was doing when he was sleeping with other people. Has he ever thought about me, about how much I love him, and how much we've been through together? He was probably thinking that I had an unlimited power of forgiving.

I snort at that thought, while Hiro hesitates to move forward, to the floor where Tohma is.

"This is my floor, Hiro. Orthopedic department. Yours is on the next floor." I see him shivering. "Please go there." I say, as he tries to come with me.

I step out of the elevator and the doors close behind me, Hiro slowly disappearing behind them.

I sigh in worry. What if Hiro changes his mind? The regret is the last thing I want him to feel. He has to get over with this. He has to fix the mistakes together with Tohma in order to move on.

But, is he ready? Ready or not, there is no much time. I am really worried.

I see Taki through the glass, watching television as usual. I enter his room, and he shifts his look from TV to me. He smiles at me.

"Hi, Shindou." he says, as I sit on his bed.

He really improved his behavior. I think that during the time being in hospital, he changed. He was thinking about things thoroughly and found a friend in me. For I really hate being enemies with anybody.

"I managed to convince Hiro to go visit Tohma."

"Well, that's a good thing then. I really hope that they will be together again." he says, and it sounds so genuine.

"You really think that?"

"Yeah, why not? I am all for second chances!"

I think about that for a while.

"This is Tohma's third chance." Taki rolls his eyes.

"But you know what I meant!"

I smile. "Yes I do. But, since you cheer for second chances, you think I could give one to Yuki? You think he deserves that?" I suddenly feel a sharp pain inside my chest, at the thought of Yuki's betrayal. It appears that I can't forget, no matter how much I try.

Nobody likes to be made a fool of them. And Yuki was constantly doing that to me. It's unforgivable!

But I must remain cold, even colder than he represents himself. I must, in order to save my soul and my pride.

I always knew how it would look like. It was always cold. But this time, being without him, pretending to be happy…it is colder. It is colder than ever.

"Do you, Taki?" I repeat the question, this time more eagerly. I feel tears building in my eyes.

My relationship with Yuki was sick, twisted, and sadistic. He adored torturing me, I see.

Taki looks at me, stunned.

"No, Shuichi." he shakes his head. "Although I love when people sort the things out, I don't think that Yuki really deserves it."

Taki is not a bad guy at all. He just needed to find the right way in life, without jealousy.

We agreed to have a concert together once when he gets out. That would be the best, to make truce.

'Since when Taki believes in something good?' I think.

"I see that you still love him. It hurts you so much, isn't it?" he looks at me, and I can't stand his eyes on me.

"No!" I chuckle nervously. "My pride is hurt, but I don't love him!" I lie, but he knows that I lie. And he lets me be.

"I see." he says, the smile touching the corners of his lips again.

"Why do you believe in forgiveness?" I ask.

The smile fades from his face. His face is so serious.

"Because you forgave me something unforgivable and tried to make friends with me." he takes my hand. "Nobody came to visit me. Not even Ma-kun. Nobody from the band. Not even my family, or manager." He lowers his look, concentrating on our fingers entangled.

"Nobody came to visit me, but the man I raped…he did." he snorts at the irony.

And there it comes, the fluffy me, hit by Taki's heartbreaking speech.

"Taki…:" I look at him, eyes full of tears. His eyes are filled with them as well. One tear found its way out of his eye. "Don't…" I jump and claim his lips in a forceful, but slow kiss, and I close my eyes.

I gave my heart to this kiss, to show him that I can forgive.

How come I can forgive my rapist, but not Yuki, who always attacked him whenever he met him?

I can remember the moments…when I saw pain in Yuki's eyes. I never wanted him to find out, but Hiro was worried and told him…

I can never forget pain in Yuki's eyes when he found out, nor can I forget the rage I could see in them, and his violent behavior to the ASK members.

It was out of love, for, if he hadn't loved me, he would have never done something like that. He would have never cared.

But, on the other hand, I couldn't let myself be his doormat forever, to let him cheat on me, and make a fool of me. I couldn't forgive anymore.

For some reason, Taki never closed his eyes. Although mine are closed, I can feel he's looking through the glass.

Maybe…Maybe I should stop. I must be making him uncomfortable.

I break the kiss, blushing furiously.

He is looking at me with surprised eyes.

"Taki…I'm sorry…"

But he doesn't yell at me. He smiles, instead.

"Shuichi…you don't need to do this." he whispers. "You don't have to do this to make me feel better. I don't deserve to feel better."

I can feel I'm shivering. I'm shivering from shock, from anticipation…I know that something is to happen, or it already happened…

"No! Don't feel like this! I forgave you!" I shake my head.

He lets go of my hand.

"I just want to have some sleep now" he says, closing his eyes. He looks so tired.

"Y-yeah…The big day is close…the day you'll get out." I say, standing up hesitantly.

I exit the room as fast as possible.

Now I have to wait for Hiro…And I have a plenty of my time in hands, to think about what has just happened…

Is it horrible, or is it good?

---

---

---

Hiro's face looks so relieved, as if the burden was gone from his chest. But stil, I know that they didn't make up.

Still, it is a progress. They talked. Maybe Hiro forgave. I don't want to ask him now. He will tell me when he feels ready.

---

---

---

I finished peeing in a public toilet. But, as I try to get out, I run into somebody.

I look up, and see Yuki, no less. And I have to put my mask on, again.

His lips curve and he starts yelling, rage in his eyes.

"Just look at you, you slut! All you will ever get is AIDS! Never hope for more, Shuichi! Aizawa Taki, no less!" he said in one breath.

I try not to smile. So that's what Taki saw through the glass. Yuki must have come to visit his brother-in-law then.

Well, that is nice, being jealous. I wanted to say that even my rapist was better than him, and my mask would fall, he would know that I feel bitterness.

So I switch the thermometer to the 'Cold'

"Please don't make a scene, Yuki." I manage to say, passing by him.

But I still feel the pain, and I don't want him to see my face. It's the agonizing pain that I feel. He thinks I'm a slut.

But what the hell is he, then?! Sleeping with all those women behind my back?!

Oh, how I want to turn around and start a fight, to tell him everything I feel, everything I wanted to tell him if there weren't for my pride.

I can feel his eyes on me, as I walk away.

---

TBC...?


	8. Yuki Fucked it up Again

**Notes/warnings: **Some words, maybe OOCness, a _little bit_ of lemon.

**Colder**

**Chapter 8: Yuki Fucked it up Again**

Well, maybe I have to deal with this new situation. Shuichi was fed up with my whims, so it was natural for him to leave me at last. I would leave myself as well if I behaved like an asshole.

I mean, who would be insane enough to put up with me?! I cheated on my boyfriend, whom I love more than everything, by the way. I did everything possible to sabotage the only good thing that happened in my entire, lousy excuse for life. Who would like to be near the creature such as myself?

I completely understand Shuichi. He moved on. I want him to move on. I want him to be happy and be with someone who deserves his love and devotion. I want him to be with somebody who is total opposite of me. But not Taki. Not Taki!

Doesn't he remember what that awful creature did to him, and how both of us suffered? Because of Shuichi, I began to feel like human again. Because of him, I was able to cry again. Because Taki hurt my fluffy little boy…

I never knew that the taste of my own medicine would be so gross.

Since the day I saw him there, I cannot sleep. I'm restless. I'm afraid that something could happen to him, something terrible, something that Taki can only do.

She throws back her golden hair, hands on her hips, slim body swirling to the song. She is aware of my eyes laid on her. She knows that she is my prey and that I will be the one who would ravish her soon enough. I will be the one to make the craziest fireworks before her dazzled eyes as she climaxes the strongest she can.

She knows, and she looks forward to it. I know it, for I see lust in her eyes. She will be happy afterwards, for she will have the juicy story to tell to her friends. She is one shallow bitch, but she is so juicily wet bitch, and I'm the predator.

I can no longer resist the urge to penetrate my throbbing member inside of her wet depths, hot as the summer sun on the beach.

She smiles one of her trademark smiles, before her thongs slip from her slim legs, and she throws them aside. Her pussy is shaved and it looks so delicious. That was the only thing Shuichi never had. Tits and pussy. But he had a woman's personality.

My boy has matured. He is now a totally different man. He ain't fluffy no more. My Shuichi is dead. I killed him.

She unzips my pants and I jump on her. I am no gentleman now, I am nothing. There is no style in my movements, nothing.

After I lost my Shu, I should've stopped doing this. I should've…

As I fuck her the way she wants, I step on every memory of Shu and me, every tiny detail flashes before my eyes and melts like a snowflake when it kisses the ground…

As I fuck her, I only see _his_ face, the face of the one who conquered my heart for good, yet whose love I couldn't treasure the way I should have.

I don't fuck her…No, not _her_, not a woman…I fuck _him_. Shuichi…

I am a sick man. I am so sick and I'm so disgusting in my own eyes…I'm so disgusting to myself that the only death is the exit. Death is the only light.

I come into her tight walls, telling myself: "Oh, this is the last time, the last time, I promise…", as I fall back into the sleep…

My nights are full of nightmares.

---

I'm awake, and she's already gone. I lazily look for my remote. I'm so lazy in the morning, and I watch TV for about half an hour before I gather strength and will to get up.

My eyes widen at the sight before me. Breaking news. They say that…that…

I wince when I see her and me, fucking on the kitchen table, on my bed, everywhere…

They say: "Exclusive! Home video of Yuki Eiri!"

Bitch! She's gonna pay me for this! I will find her and I will find out who stands behind this! And I will kill both her and that person who paid her to do this…this…

But I don't care for my pride. I know that my Shu saw this, and I fucked it up a big time now. He will never want me back, not after this…

Shuichi, my love…

---

TBC…?


	9. Shindou Shuichi, the Performer

**AN:** This chapter is dedicated to all of you who ever read and reviewed this story. Part of this chapter is inspired by something that Commander Iason Mink told me a while ago. He said that if I want to carry on, I only have to remember good things, and leave the bad ones behind. I guess he was right. But we shall see, and only time is qualified to tell us.

**Colder**

**Chapter 9: Shindou Shuichi, the Performer**

What an asshole! I cannot believe that he actually recorded something, something…ugh! No wonder public found about it and all that shit. What a stupid man!

Still, I feel pity for him. He used to be so respected, so much valued novelist. He used to be hero in my eyes, so closed, so distant, so…I really loved him for his qualities.

But he sank so low that I can't even comprehend how it all happened. Nor do I care.

All I know is that he's sitting on my sofa while I'm in the kitchen, preparing tea.

"I have nowhere else to go" he said.

I knew that. Mika already has problems taking care of her former husband. And returning to Kyoto was out of the question. Father would never accept him after this scandal, let alone Ayaka, Yuki's former fiancée.

Here, we all witnessed the fall of Yuki Eiri. And I feel so sorry for him. It seems as if a part of me died with his honor.

So he remembered good old Shuichi, a guy who is ready (actually, who used to be ready, but not anymore) to be his pawn in his little games.

"You can stay for a few days, but no longer than that. I have to take care of my reputation as well." I say, as I place the cup of hot, refreshing tea on the coffee table in front of him.

His golden eyes blink, and then he nods.

"I'm aware of that. Don't you worry." he says, lowering his head.

"Look, I won't judge you. But please, next time be more careful." I say. I really mean that, because I worry for his health and reputation. I still love him despite everything. I still love him. And it hurts me to see him like this.

I can see a faint smile gracing his lips.

"No need to worry, Shuichi. But it wasn't me who recorded it. Somebody was hiding cameras in my apartment. And I intend to find out who that was." I see determination in his eyes, and something that seems like the good old Eiri-like fury.

But still, I know one thing for sure. Eiri is so fragile. He wants to look tough, and he can trick other people, but I know him. And currently, he's breaking. Sorrow and shame are eating him from the inside.

"I prepared a guestroom for you. It's down the hall, on the left. Mine is right across." I say coldly. And the entire penthouse seems so cold. Even though there is somebody else with me in there, I still feel alone.

He only nods.

"I wish you goodnight then." I say and head to my bedroom.

"Night" I hear him whisper. And I know he's hurt. He's hurt by my behavior. So let him be. I was hurt by his many, many times.

---

For some reason, when he showed up at my door, and when he came in, I remembered good things. The bad things faded all of a sudden.

I remembered how he had cried when I had shooed Taki away from his place.

I recalled when he had declared loud and clear, in front of so many reporters, that we were lovers.

"We are lovers." he had said several times then. "Why hiding it?"

I had been his first official lover. I had been with him the longest.

I had never in my entire life expected him to say something like that. And then, just then, while I had been staring at cameras in utter shock, it had hit me. Yuki Eiri had loved me. _He_ had loved _me_! And it hadn't mattered I had been a guy. Nothing had mattered back then.

And no matter what, we had always managed to make it together. We had won every battle.

So why, _why_ in all hells, did all of that change now?! How, all of a sudden?!

He stopped loving me. I wasn't enough for him. Suddenly…so suddenly…

It used to be cold, but we god over that as well...But now is colder.

I want to run to his room and ask him why, but I can't. I missed my chance. I should've asked him back then, when I found out, but no…My pride always comes first in my list. No more fluffy Shuichi anymore…

I can't sleep. I'm laying here, in my bed, hands behind my head, terrified by the sudden flow of memories… Not even good memories are enough to feed our love. Everything…it's gone.

So I thought to give it back to him, but this time harder, to his pretty face. And I have a plan…

---

---

---

"I made us breakfast." he says. He has apron and he looks all pro. I always loved how Eiri cooked.

"Smells nice" I say, smiling slightly. But still, my smile is cold and it should show him my restraint. He must know he is not wanted here. He must see that I don't love him.

But I do, I love him. "Still, you shouldn't have bothered. I'm having a breakfast outside, with a friend of mine. "I say. "And I shall bring him here tonight, so please, stay in your room. You must not be discovered." I am so official that I scare the shit out of myself.

He winces, but then he recollects himself and nods.

Good, Eiri, good…Now I have you in my net…my net full of lies.

I phoned Taki this morning, proposing him to come and make Yuki jealous with me. I know how much Yuki hates my rapist. He hesitated for a moment, but he accepted in the end. Besides, he hated Yuki as well.

---

---

---

We enter laughing and I see Yuki sitting at the bar.

"What the heck?! Didn't I tell you that you must stay in your room tonight?!"

"Shuichi…What the hell is your ex doing here?!" Taki asks, pretending to be surprised and annoyed. I knew, I simply _knew_ that Yuki would never obey me. Not even for his own sake.

"Ah. That's a long story. But don't you worry. There's nothing going on between us." I smirk and we head to the sofa.

Yuki just snorts, but says nothing.

---

---

---

And yes, we eventually end up making out on mu sofa, Taki on top of me, moving his hands up and down my sides, while his tongue resides in my mouth. And it feels so good, so mind blowing, all the things we do.

Yuki passed by us, to take something from the kitchen. My eye follows. And then he rushes back to his room, to work on his newest novel. I can feel that he's restless.

Good.

But then, Taki and I reach the point were our pants become too tight and unbearable to stand.

"Shuichi..." he whispers into my ear. "I think it's enough. I think he's got the point…If we don't stop…I don't think I…" he is panting in my ear.

"I know…I want you to…" I say, although I don't want it at all. I grab him by his hair and pull him roughly to my bedroom. He obediently follows.

You know a guy's nature, right? So don't blame me.

But something's wrong…

We rip each other's clothes and Taki looks so…So beautiful under the moonlight, or is this just my rage talking instead of me? Am I really ready to risk another friendship just because I'm desperate and I want to hurt Yuki?

But at the very thought, my pants aren't tight anymore…And I can't feel his crotch under my palm. We became soft.

He stares at me, panting.

"So, what now?"

I know what to do. I won't risk friendship, but I _will_ hurt Yuki.

"Let's scream like school girls. Let's make a show for Yuki." I say while smirking.

Taki smirks as well.

---

---

---

And we screamed really loud and all. And then I escorted Taki to the door. And that was all. A little play only for Yuki's delicate ears.

But I can't…Can't…

In the middle of the night, my legs decided to take a little walk on their own.

I open the door gently, and peek in his room. It is dark, but I know he's awake.

Without a word, I climb into his bed and lie next to him. I'm afraid to face him directly, so I turn my back to him. And he hugs me from behind.

Suddenly I feel closeness and tranquility. I feel good. But there's something wet on my neck, constantly dripping…

I remember the time you cried for me…Yuki…Please don't…Not again…It was just a performance…

But I feel glad as well. I taught him a lesson. And there are more to come.

So we lie there, peacefully, we called it truce for now. For a few hours at least…

And we will fall asleep thus.

---

TBC…?


	10. It's in the Blood

**Disclaimer for this chapter:** I do not own "One" by Metallica, "Eternal" by Ishihara Shin'ichi, nor do I own "Glaring Dream" by Bad Luck. I own only the sonnet and this story

**AN: **A bit depressing chapter, but what can I do..? I hope you'll enjoy it. Twist and turns can already bee seen on the horizon…

And please review afterwards. :)

**Colder**

**Chapter 10: It's in the Blood**

No matter what happened out there, you are my Shu, the essential part of me from which I cannot escape even if I wanted to.

I hug you from behind, letting you spend the night in my bed. Your body is so warm. And I cannot say a single word to you, for I am so utterly broken, so tired of struggling with my emotions and the idea that you have new life, friends, and lovers.

But if you don't love me, why did you lie down next to me, why did you let my arm be placed over you?

I pull you closer and wrap you in my embrace in hope that I could absorb some love from you, some human characteristics, for now I see how much I was wrong and how much I feel like a monster.

When a heart shatters, there is no turning back. I broke your heart too many times and your heart stopped loving me. I don't blame it. It has all the rights to erase me from its memory and put me on the black list.

But it hurts, the acknowledgement that I am unloved, discarded. And it hurts even more when I discover that it is me who caused that to happen.

And I wake up every day with that discovery hanging in the air, giving a bitter, unbearable taste of defeat to everything.

I cannot stop my eyes; they release the juices of woe. And right now, I don't feel like living.

Tears are staining the back of his neck, and I think he is aware of it, yet he says nothing. There is too much pain in my lungs. I want to cry out loud, to scream, to hit him, for, how dares he to have somebody else?!

He is mine, but he is not. No, no, he is not mine, he doesn't love me anymore and it's entirely my fault…

But I really don't have the right to say that my life isn't worth living. Although I scream in my mind: "Please, God, kill me!!!", there are a lot worse cases than mine.

There used to be a video which Shuichi hated to watch, for it was making him very sad and upset. It was called "One", and was performed by Metallica.

It was about the solider who had lost his arms, legs, hearing, vision, voice, in war. The only thing he had was his consciousness. Nothing more. And he had the right to say: "Kill me." his life is a lot worse than mine. I have no right to tell that my life should be over.

_____________________________________________________________________

You were right all along, and I was just a stupid jerk. But still, I want you to give me another chance. I can promise you I'll be faithful, I can promise you I'll be more careful to you, I can promise you everything…But I cannot guarantee that I will keep my promises.

You are the first on my list, although it doesn't seem so.

When you were out with Taki, I took your iPod and listened to music. And I found ballads, only ballads. Of course, among them was "Eternal", your favorite song.1 But there were only ballads and nothing more…

Why are you so sad, Shuichi? You cannot trick me, I know you too well. And I'm happy you don't love me anymore, thus, you have one reason less to make you sad. But why are you sad, my love? Why, when you have everything?

Even Taki, the one who raped you, is making you happy. He accomplished something I never managed to.

I placed the iPod on its place and headed to your study. I wanted to see projects you were working on…

I found some poems by T.S. Elliot, and you underlined the verse: "I'll show you fear in a handful of dust" 2What are you afraid of, Shu? And I saw some of your projects…

Ballads.

_I am so loveless,_

_All around me lies._

_What can stop this loneliness?_

_On the timeline, where the hope dies?_

_Shut up! Don't say a thing!_

_You now nothing about me._

_What is it that sound in my heart, that ring?_

_What is it, can you see?_

_The walls are so resonant._

_And I am all alone, my thoughts in you, can you read?_

_Why is this life so resistant,_

_Why it allows me not to breathe?_

_I feel so abstract and artificial_

_And I cannot wait to make my death official._

You wrote a sonnet, in a Shakespearean rhyme3. I never knew you were interested in literature. And your verses were so dark…I went to the kitchen to take some water and drink my meds, and then, you entered with…Taki.

"Yu-Yuki? Are you awake?" I hear your voice.

"Yes, I am." I whisper.

You turn to face me, and my arm is still wrapped around you. It feels so warm…

"I've been having some migraines last few months, so once, when I came to visit Taki, I went to see a doctor…And he told me that I had a brain tumor."

_The whisper that dissolves into the bustling crowd_

_makes the memories scattered underfoot blur together._

You say something like that, and all my head does is to hum the song for whose lyrics I said they sucked. But, actually, they sound pretty good in my ears now.

"A-are you sure?"

"Scanner never lies, Eiri." you say, chuckling.

_The blazing of the street where I walk about lost (glaring one way)_

_illuminates me as coldly as though it freezes._

You grip my T-shirt.

"But I don't feel like being alone at the moment, Yuki…I will die in a few months."

Do you...do you still love me?

"What do you want me to do?" I ask, feeling something swirling in my stomach. It's going up and up…

I jump from the bed and you jump after me, holding my head, while I puke the blood. My guts hurt from strain, my stomach is burning as well as my throat, my gullet…Heart is trying to pump as much blood as possible to keep my body functioning, to help it get through the shock…And you're holding my head, tightly, protectively…Your palm on my forehead…

_The cold times make dreams fall like rain and slip through my hands._

_When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering _

_illusion --_

_the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along._

You help me wipe my mouth and you lead me to the sink. I feel the wet towel placed against my forehead and it feels so nice…

"I'll call the ambulance."

"No…It's nothing, Shuichi." I try to convince you.

---

"I just want you to be my friend." You say, "It'd be nice to spend some time with you."

I look at you. You're lying on your belly, across the bed, while I'm sitting next to you. You're playing solitaire and it seems that you still can't figure how it should go. Such a simple game…yet some people never change. You're still a little dense, aren't you?

I smile at you kindly.

But you don't see me. You don't seem to figure out soon that the black eight can't go on the black nine…

_Even if the gentleness that tells about only what makes anxiety flow_

_had fulfilled eternity, I still don't want tomorrow._

I don't want to be your friend.

"I translated 'Glaring Dream' into English" I say.

"Oh, really?" you quirk an eyebrow. And just then I see you hairless, lying in a hospital bed, IV's in your veins…Pink hair would be gone…

"Yup. I did it yesterday, when you were out."

"I thought you hated the song."

"I still do." I say, yet I don't mean that way.

You say nothing about it.

"So, do you want to be my friend? Or am I a hindrance now, when I'm seriously ill?" I hear bitterness behind your words.

"No, Shu. I wanna be your friend." I say, ruffling your pink, already messy, hair. You look at me with kind eyes and you smile.

"Thank you."

_The words that I have to give to you are (it's talk to myself)_

_falling into an everyday routine, even without shadows._

---

"But Yuki, please don't say a thing to Hiro, K, or anyone else. Nobody knows." you warn me. I just nod, trying to suppress new amounts of blood threatening to go out through my mouth.

I hate its metallic taste.

_With a trembling finger, I gather up the dreams; without even breathing _

_on them, they're crumbling._

_Even the certain things are too unreliable; if I believe in something, can _

_I be with you again?_

_It's whitely vanishing, the silhouette of that day._

But please kiss me once…Just one more time…

"Shuichi?"

"Yes?"

"Can we kiss one more time? And then let's be just friends." awkward words come out of my mouth lately.

_Looking up at that palely-dyed season (Life Winter Dream)_

_I, who stopped to stand still, am swept away._

You look at me, confused.

"What?!"

"No, no…" I lower my head. "Forget I said a thing…"

Your eyes are full of tears…I know that.

Will you say in the end:" Please, kill me"? I killed your soul and your body will soon be taken from you. Nothing will be left of you…Just like in the "One" video.

"I'm afraid to even think that someday…I won't exist anymore…That people will forget me…my mother, sister…Hiro…" You say, your voice trembling. "Taki…"

And I can't stand this pathetic moment anymore. Every your word makes me dissolve in acid.

I grab you and shove my tongue in your mouth and you…you…

You kiss back, eagerly, massaging my tongue with yours, thoroughly, hungrily…

_The wind blows it out, makes it be left behind; even the yearning is growing _

_numb from the cold in my heart._

The song will never leave me alone…

The cards are all misplaced (as if they were in a proper order while you were playing solitaire), as you shove me and I fall on my back. I puke blood, again, but in your mouth. The metallic, salty taste is mixing with saliva, pouring down my neck and staining your mouth, lips, and chin; yet you don't mind it, you actually moan and dig your tongue deeper, to collect all of me inside of you as much as possible.

This is sick, this is so sick…

_The cold times drift about in dreams, but are caught and held in your hands._

_When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering _

_illusion --_

_the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along._

You're licking blood from my neck. You roll me over onto my belly.

"Facedown, Yuki" you say in a seme voice I rarely had a chance to hear…

Fuck me, Shuichi…

I would have drowned if I stayed on my back…

You strip my underwear. We never got dressed since you hopped into my bed. I can feel your hard cock press against my entrance.

Yes…

Oh yes…

But no! It's just an illusion.

You still kiss my neck and lick the blood from it. You do it so desperately…

Now you have my blood in your system…Can it make you live forever?

And then, all of a sudden, you stop.

You stand up and you blush! It's so adorable!

"I'm…I'm sorry…" you mutter. "I never meant to…"

I smile at you.

"I know. No worries." But it tears me apart. You sit on the bed again.

"What about the paparazzi and all?"

"Ah. No worries! I'm leaving in a few days. I bought the tickets to Brazil. I'll hide there for a while. But I have to find the one who placed the camera in my apartment first."

"Ok" you say. It sounds like you don't believe me that I never recorded home videos of that kind. "Wanna some breakfast?"

Stop being so cold…

Just stop it!

Please stop!

Shuichi…

"That'd be lovely" I say.

---

TBC…

1 See "Cold", chapter 11

2 My favorite line from "Wasteland" by the said author

3 Shakespearean rhyme-we were doing this in our English Renaissance class., so I thought it might me interesting to write a sonnet myself.


	11. No Brakes

**Colder**

**Chapter 11: No Brakes**

When I abandoned Yuki, first time I did was to go to doctor's and see the condition I was in. There had been a lot of stress, so many things to do at the studio every day, for more than twelve hours per day. And then, this shit with Yuki. I could have sworn then that it was beginning of a heart attack then, when I saw him. I really don't know exactly what that was, but I can try and describe the feeling: I felt unbearable pain under my left shoulder blade, my left arm was numb, and I felt like I was going to suffocate every moment.

I still don't understand how I managed to look and act so collected. Despite the pain, I managed to stand still, to be proud.

I suspected it was angina pectoris. I was afraid at that moment, and my fear for my health put the shadow on the event with Yuki. I was more concerned for my body.

But I went through all sorts of scanning soon after, through various testing without anyone knowing. And all the results were negative. I was in perfect health. The doctor said that it had been just stress and nothing more than that. I thanked Heavens then.

I still am in perfect health. But lying there, in his embrace, so safe, so warm, so wonderful…I was mad at him for giving me false feeling of security, of love…For one tiny moment, I thought that I could forgive him. But then again, I thought, why not hurting him even more, now, when it was evident that I was to win this game.

I said the lie automatically, not even thinking. I got used to lying a lot, since I had to pretend that I was not that small, bouncy singer anymore. I had to rise above Yuki. But this time, I went too far with my lies.

He was very upset, puking blood even twice. The second time he puked, he puked in my mouth when I sealed his lips with a passionate kiss. Still don't know why I kissed him.

I offered him friendship. He accepted. I would be close to him, I would be able to spend some time with him, as a friend, not as a lover, and maybe that would be good for a change. But it is pitiful to know that I could gain his attention only by lying that I was sick.

I liked the taste of blood in my mouth, especially because it was _his_ blood, the blood of the one whom I loved to heavens…I still love him. I wanted to sleep with him; I wanted to ravish him, to be seme once again1...

But I refrained from such things. I refused to think such thoughts. And I sopped kissing him…

---

"Do you like the pastries?" I ask, and you smile.

"Yes. I like them." You say. You're not cynical anymore, as you used to be before. You've changed to better. Being here with me, I know how hard it is for both of us. And I don't want you to leave. I want to hurt you. I want to rip out that heart of yours, that never even tried to open up. You're such a child, Eiri, thinking that the entire world is yours. You never care for others. But I still want to be next to you.

"Yuki…" I look at you sadly. "Please don't go to Brazil. Please stay with me. I'll be gone soon anyway…" I lower my head. My lie is so disgusting, and I barely manage to suppress ironic chuckle.

"Hey, little brat" you take my hands in yours. "I'm not going anywhere." You say cheerfully. "I was thinking about that and I know that I can't hide forever. However, I have to find the one who taped my sex with…that slut." You are the one to lower the head now. You are ashamed of yourself and it appeals to me. I am happy.

But now, when I lied so terribly, I have to make sure that my lie looks real. I stand up, gathering the dishes, and you offer me to do the dishes, explaining that I should rest.

I just nod.

"But Yuki, I have to go to studio now…I cannot rest now. Still, it would be nice if you do the dishes." I say, seeing concern in your eyes. You nod your beautiful blond head, your cheeks pale as if you were a corpse.

---

"I want you to make false results for me, doctor." I say. "I want it to look like I really have a brain tumor." He looks at me, perplexed and disgusted. "I'll pay you how much you want. Just say it." And in a light speed, his face changes its expression, turning into a pleasant one. He accepts.

I know I went too far with this. But, once you start to lie, you can never stop. I feel terrible.

---

---

---

Seguchi Tohma is dying. He is dying slowly, but he will die in a few weeks. Hiro is desperate. He is so desperate, that he fucks with K every other night. I met him when I was at the hospital to pay for the fake diagnose. Hiro told me everything.

It appears that love isn't so constant, after all. So why would I believe that anyone loves me? Love is just imaginary thing. Only mine for Yuki still stands alive…

But I have to fight against it. And I need Taki to help me with all of this…

---

TBC…?

1 See Cold, chapter 1


	12. All for my Love

**Disclaimer regarding this chapter:** I don't own Junjou Romantica not its characters

**Colder**

**Chapter 12: All for my Love**

Ok. I have to find that bastard who recorded this. During breakfast this morning, I discovered something that terrified me. The way Shuichi pleaded me not to go to Brazil, the desperate look, sadness in his eyes...I knew that I would win his heart back someday, if the circumstances were different. I was sure that someday, in several years or so, I would be his lover again. If only he wasn't sick…

I realized as well, that the reason why I want to discover that bastard, who blemished my name, wasn't my pride. I wanted to catch him because of Shuichi; I wanted him to see me as a different person, a better person, in the last days of his life. I wanted him to die peacefully, to give a meaning to all of this what we've been through. I realized a little late, that I really love this guy, the only one who succeeded in getting under my skin.

With his smile, with his cheerfulness, with innocence with which he was looking at the world around him; with his energetic voice and emotions behind it, no matter how shallow Shuichi looks, behind it is the greatest depth, wisdom, love…With all of that, he managed to bring me to life again, to make me fall in love, to give me the purpose of living…He did so great things for me, yet I threw him like something of no big importance. I shooed him away from me so many times, and now, I am ready to kiss his legs, to follow him faithfully as a dog. Still, I'm not going to tell him that. I still have my pride (what an irony).

The little guy has gone to studio. I will clean this mess, and I will prepare a special lunch or dinner (haven't decided yet, since I don't know when he's going to come home), so that he could just sit back and enjoy when he comes back.

---

"Yuki…This was delicious" he says. "Still, you didn't have to bother…" modest, as always. I didn't know how to treasure his actions…And he will die in a few months.

When he came back, he placed some envelopes on the coffee table and went straight to the shower. He seemed so exhausted. I looked after him fondly, setting the table for the two of us; it didn't look like romantic dinner, I didn't want him to have the wrong impression; but it was nice, without candles, but the lights were dimmed. And when he disappeared into the bathroom, those envelopes were practically begging me to open them.

I did that carefully, assuming what was in there, and I was right: Shuichi's results; a very bad prognosis, where it said, in brief, that chemo wouldn't work, that everything was hopeless. I expected that, but I still winced when I read the paper in my hand; it started shaking, and the first time it came to me: 'No way! This isn't for real! This isn't happening'. But the papers were stating the different and I had to believe them. I quickly shoved them into the envelope and placed them back on the coffee table.

"Ah, it's nothing" I say. "It's just my way to say thanks for staying in your apartment." It sounds so bad. As if I was repaying by doing this. I cooked because I wanted him to feel good.

His eyes look in the direction of the envelopes.

"I see…you opened those." he says. I feel a noodle in my throat.

"Y-yeah…"

"Well, it's nothing we didn't know, right?" he winks. "Don't worry too much about that, Yuki. We can do nothing about that" he says cheerfully. "But we must use this time we have as much as we can!" he stood up and stretched.

He sits on the couch. I sit next to him. I can't stop myself looking at him.

"Shuichi…" he looks at me, and I lower my head. "I'm sorry." I frown. It hurts me.

Perplexed, Shuichi still stares at me.

"You don't need to apologize" he says kindly. "There wasn't love involved, after all."

Oh, yeah. He didn't love me. His words ringing in my ears, the day he left me for good.

"Still, that wasn't proper behavior for one boyfriend."

He sits back, not looking at me anymore. He sighs.

"I always wanted you to be like Usami Akihiko from Junjou Romantica. A novelist madly in love with another guy (Misaki, in this case). Remember Akihiko? We watched that show together."

Yeah, I remember. Usami Akihiko, who was so possessive and so madly in love with his petit boyfriend. So devoted. So unlike me. I nod.

"But you were nothing like him. I knew it from the start. I fell out of love in a short time. I'm sorry…It was more a habit than a relationship…" he sighs again. "But we all know that."

But it wasn't like that! I still love him! He took my heart from the very beginning! But I wasn't good to him, how could he have possibly known? It _is _my fault only.

Suddenly, I don't feel so well. I remembered that I don't know Shuichi's favorite color, his favorite food, drink…As if he wasn't my boyfriend for so many years…I feel so ashamed of myself!

"Say, Shu, since we're friends now and all…What is your favorite color?" this sounds so normal, minus the fact that I should have known that already. I see some kind of revolt in his movements.

As if he was to say:" You don't know??!!"

"Blue" he says and stands up, stretching again. He approaches the huge window. "Yours?"

I thought he knew! I thought he knew everything about me!

"Ehm…" it feels uncomfortable, really bad. "Black" I manage to say. How come you forgot, Shuichi??? Still, I can't blame him. He was really a good actor.

He smiles.

"Always the one who fancies dark things" he says and nods. "Which reminds me, it's 8p.m. and Taki should come soon. He's moving in to take care of me. He should be here any minute."

I blink, holding my breath.

'I thought I was the only one to know?" this is it. I am pissed. And I won't hide it!

'Well, that was the original idea, but…He is my lover, so it would be unfair…But you two and nobody else know. Please don't tell a living soul!" he approaches me and hugs me. "I beg you."

I ruffle his hair in affection. I love him, despite everything. I am a lovesick fool. Too bad I remembered that too late. Please hug me a little longer…

As if he knew, he steps back, blushing.

"Ehm…" he scratches the back of his head. "Tatsuha invited us for dinner tomorrow. I told him about the fact that you're…well, living with me."

Ah, I forgot. Tatsuha and Shu are friends.

"You can't possibly reject your bro, right?"

Yeah, why should I? All those pricks know about my shame. Shuichi is a hero in his eyes for hiding me.

"Ok…I will go." If that's what makes you happy.

"Great!" he jumps like a child and runs to open the door for Taki.

I have an impression that they will shag like rabbits this night…

---

TBC…


	13. Side Story: Shining Collection

**Colder**

**Chapter 13: Side Story:**

**Shining Collection**

Tatsuha rolled his eyes, glancing at Shuichi and Yuki, and their awkward behavior. Shuichi was staring at his lover as if Yuki were a totem or something, and Shu were worshipper. The black haired teen just smiled when he saw that his older brother rolled his eyes as well. Tatsuha was wondering how long they would be together. It seemed that Yuki was losing interest in the brat; but strange enough, he was unable to let go.

The teen quirked an eyebrow, trying to remind himself why he was with this lovey dovey couple in a first place. The club was enormous and various lasers were illuminating the place. He was sitting next to Seguchi Tohma on the opposite side of the mentioned couple.

He reminded himself that he would never sacrifice this much, being in the company of Yuki, Shu, and Tohma-the man who was after his brother, but was, in fact, with his older sister, at the time. He was doing this only because Yuki had convinced Tohma to come here and finally introduce Tatsuha to Sakuma Ryuichi.

Tatsuha smiled at the thought, shifting in his chair and drinking his orange juice (he hated Eiri for being so overprotective), he was finally to meet his idol, his crush (or love; he was too young to decide).

At the familiar rhythm, he lifted his head, lasers reflecting in his eyes. The song-he knew it; he knew it very well and loved to dance while this particular song was playing. It was as if a strange wave of energy and heat flooded his body, with sweet lust building in his eyes and stomach; it was too much to resist.

Sakuma Ryuichi was holding a microphone in his right hand, dancing to the music as well, his eyes wandering somewhere in the crowd. Tohma had told him that he wanted to introduce 'somebody special' to him. He wondered if he could recognize the person. Tohma had just winked at him before the show, in the backstage, telling that it was one of Ryuichi's acquaintances, in fact.

Seeing him in all his glitter, the way he was taking this seriously, putting all he had into his voice, into the moment, and music, Tatsuha was seduced. He started swaying in a seductive way, taken by the waves of thrill, and one arm wrapped around his waist. At first he winced, but the scent was familiar. He turned his head only to recognize Shuichi behind him. Shuichi winked and whispered in his ear.

"Don't worry. He's definitely going to notice you!"

Tatsuha only smiled and let Shuichi lead him, swaying too close to the pink haired teen's body, letting his hands wander all over his body, as the crowd was making space for them to perform.

The young monk glanced at the spot where Yuki was, seeing him blushing furiously, out of anger and jealousy.

'Perhaps they will last much longer than I expected', he thought, as he was touching Shuichi's tiny, but tight buttocks, absorbing more energy; and only then did he glance at the stage, crossing looks with Ryuichi himself. He smirked at him and then grinned, sending him one of his naughtiest looks. Tatsuha wasn't the one to be subtle.

With the last beats of "Shining Collection", their movements decreased and stopped in the end. Both youths were panting and were sweaty. They returned to enraged Yuki and indifferent Tohma, thus.

"We're heading home, Shuichi" Yuki immediately exclaimed, grabbing his lover's hand.

"But Yuki, I'm all sweaty; I'll catch cold if I go outside."

"I don't care" said Yuki, as he was practically dragging Shuichi out of the club. Tohma looked at Tatsuha and nodded slightly.

"You did a good job there" he said to the boy. "I'm sure Mr. Sakuma will be more than pleased to be in your company.

---

Several years had passed since then. Tatsuha was now a grown up man, living in a huge apartment with his eccentric husband, Sakuma Ryuichi. He was setting the table; a little sad his hubby had a lot of things to do outside, regarding his new album, so he wasn't able to be home and eat dinner with him and his guests.

He had invited Yuki and Shuichi for dinner, secretly hoping that this little gathering would help them get together again.

When he had heard what Yuki had done to Shuichi, he was seriously hurt by his brother's behavior. Feeling slightly guilty because he was happy with Ryuichi, considering the fact that Shuichi (and Tohma) had helped him to be with his Sakuma-san, he had been really mad at his brother.

Shuichi's good natured personality and his innocence had brought him to his knees, and all he could ever wish for, was to make their friendship everlasting. He considered Shuichi his brother of a sort. No, he wasn't exaggerating at all. Shuichi was one kind creature, and he deserved only good things.

Was Tatsuha expecting too much from his brother?

---

---

---

Ryuichi is a possessive kind of husband and he is extremely jealous. He treasures Tatsuha with all his might. Although a little (a lot, in fact, but Tatsuha decided it was just a little) childish and kind of insane, Ryuichi isn't a bad person. Deep down, Tatsuha knows how much Ryuichi is caring, and he proved that when he was so eager to help Shuichi in the last stage of the singer's and Yuki's relationship.

Although a guy, Tatsuha is very faithful to his husband, of course. He couldn't wish for more than he already has-he has a warm home and a person who loves him unconditionally. And to get everything in perfect order, he has to help his friend and his brother.

That is all that a young ex-monk wants. His life with Sakuma Ryuichi is such perfection.

He remembers the first night that he spent night with Ryuichi. It was right after the concert; back then, he didn't care to use words or anything, although his love for Ryuichi wasn't strictly physical at all.

He was led by Tohma to the backstage, and he knocked nervously. Then he entered the wardrobe, changing his appearance completely. As soon as he saw his love, his face turned on devilish mode, his eyes full of lust, and before Ryuichi could do a thing, he found himself on his back.

"Good evening, Sakuma-san…." Tatsuha said in a husky voice, straddling Ryuichi, attacking his neck immediately. The singer, although still surprised, took the hint and smirked as well. He became all serious, just like when he was singing, and wrapped his arms around the youth.

He was aware of the age difference between them, and at that time, Tatsuha was still minor. Ryuichi knew the kid from earlier, only then did he recall. Sweet younger brother of a messed up writer Tohma cherished so much.

Encouraged by Ryuichi's touches, Tatsuha sucked on his neck gently, shifting his weight, and by doing so, he was making a friction between their two members. Ryuichi moaned, although he didn't want to.

"Already aroused?" Tatsuha whispered in his ear, grinning in delight. "Me as well" he added. It was summer and their body heat, in addition to the heat in the room (strangely, there wasn't air condition in there), made them sweaty. Tatsuha's tongue was dancing over Ryuichi's long neck, making wet circles, all up to the delicate earlobe of the singer.

Estimating it was enough, Tatsuha stopped his actions to look at the singer. He was already seduced. 'Good' the youth thought….

---

TBC…


	14. Side Story: Uso!

**Colder**

**Chapter 14: Side Story:**

**Uso!*******

Making sure everything was on its place, Tatsuha ran to open the door for his guests. Deep down he hoped that his brother would appreciate him more when seeing how he's trying to put the two of them together. But, Tatsuha knew, you never knew with Eiri. Either he would be grateful or, which was more likely, he wouldn't give a damn.

He had bought champagne with zero percent (a.k.a. children's champagne), knowing that Eiri had had drinking problem. Everything was going to be just fine, he thought.

The pink haired singer entered, and second later, the world's famous romance novelist followed. Yuki's face was serious and apathetic, as if he was trying to say something along the lines:" I have come here only because Shuichi forced me to". But still, Tatsuha knew, Yuki deeply cared for him, and every once in a while the siblings would arrange to have lunch or dinner together.

They both sat on the couch and he offered them some coffee. They both accepted. There was something very wrong with the picture, the young monk thought, while retreating to the kitchen, there was something wrong between the two. Declaring their relationship as 'just friends' was something that Shuichi naturally wouldn't do. There was something on the singer's mind and Tatsuha was a little worried about that.

"I apologize, but Ryuichi couldn't make it. He's working on his new album." he said after they finished dinner. "You know, he's so worried about Tohma-san and he wants to do everything in time, to make it easier for him." the young man of his twenty-two chuckled and continued. "Damn, I've never seen him this serious. He's only serious when it comes to Tohma, music, and…well…"

"Sex" Shuichi said nonchalantly. Tatsuha blushed.

"Yeah." he admitted, scratching the back of his head.

Suddenly, Shuichi became serious.

"Hiro is really fucked up because of that, you know" his heart sank. "And I dunno how to help him."

"You don't need to help him. K is helping him in various ways." Yuki said sarcastically.

Shuichi looked at him, perplexed.

"And how would you know that?"

"Oh, c'mon. Everybody knows about their fuck scheme." Yuki replied. "So much about everlasting love. Poor Tohma."

Shuichi looked at him, a little bit annoyed.

"I think that you are the last person who can judge Hiro-san" Tatsuha retorted. "Weren't it the same with you and Shuichi-kun?"

"It's none of your business, brat!" Yuki hissed, ready to stand up, only to be held back by Shuichi.

"It's ok, guys! Let's watch a movie or something?" the singer suggested, wanting to make the atmosphere more bearable. Tatsuha nodded.

"Yeah, sure. I'll just go to the store to buy snacks. You guys pick the movie. There are a lot of CDs in Ryu's and my room. I mean, if it is ok with you, brother." Tatsuha offered.

"Yaaay!" Shuichi cried, looking at Yuki with pleading eyes.

"Ok, fine." Yuki rolled his eyes, obviously not satisfied with this. Tatsuha winked and ran to the hall to put his shoes on.

"I'll be back in a minute" he said. He was secretly hoping that the two of them only needed some time alone to sort the things out. Maybe to talk…or to do something else.

---

Shuichi pulled Yuki's arm and was heading cheerfully toward Tatsuha's room. But sorrow was in his heart, remembering that in the very same room he had made a pact with Tatsuha to revenge to Yuki. He remembered that night, when he had discovered Eiri's infidelity. He mentally shook his head and opened the door. Yuki quickly found the switch and turned on the lights.

The room was ordinary; beige walls, one huge bed; everything was neat and on its place. Shuichi ran to the shelf where an imposing collection of CDs and DVDs was. He took one of them, not in the mood to look thoroughly before choosing.

"Ok, I picked one!" he turned and smiled at Yuki, who nodded and switched the lights of.

They returned to the living room and sat next to one another.

"Really, Yuki, I dunno what to do with Hiro. I know he's with K now, but his heart isn't there."

Yuki completely understood Hiro regarding that. The very thought of the day when he had been discovered by Shu was enough.

"You worry too much for others. And not to mention that in that condition, you should worry about yourself." he said seriously.

Shuichi wanted to say something, but he knew that everything he said would be wrong. He wasn't ill at all. He didn't know how it looked like. So why not worrying about others? But to tell Yuki that was out of the question. Not now, not at this point…

They heard the door open and close and two voices talking. Ryuichi popped in and grinned.

"Look whom I brought!" said Tatsuha, who was behind him.

"Shu-chan! Yuki-san!" squealed Ryuichi. "You're so sparkly tonight!" and then he looked at his rabbit. "Kumagoro, say hi to our friends!"

Yuki rolled his eyes and Shuichi punched him with his elbow, grinning at Ryuichi.

"We thought you weren't able to come" said Shuichi.

"Well yeah, but I finished earlier so I could be with Tat-koi and to see you guys. Plus, Kumagoro really wanted to see you, Shu-chan!"

"We were about to watch movie, so why don't you and Kuma-san take bath together and then join us?" offered Tatsuha.

Ryuichi's face turned even brighter. "That's wonderful idea, love!" he hugged his husband. "Why don't you guys play the movie, and Tatsuha and I would be back in a minute?" Ryuichi dragged the ex monk along and soon after, Yuki and Shuichi remained alone again.

"Ok then" Shuichi sighed. "Let's see…" he inserted the disk into DVD player and took the remote. He clicked the play button and sat comfortably next to Yuki. The novelist was a little nauseated by everything that had happened this evening, but was calm.

At first, the picture was unclear and the voices could be heard in the distance. Shuichi frowned. Ok, maybe the disk was scratched. He shifted closer to Yuki.

"_Ok, copy that? You sneak in and place Kumagoro someplace invisible."_ The muffled voice said.

"_Yeah, I understand. But I'd like to see money first."_ Said the unknown female voice.

"_Ok…This is in advance, and the rest you'll get after the job is done."_ the voice was very serious. And then, the camera rotated and settled on a well-known face. Shuichi gaped as well as Yuki.

"_Ok, Kumagoro! This is your first mission: How to make Yuki-san more apart from Shuichi! Don't let me down!..."_ then the camera, which was, obviously, in Kumagoro himself was taken by another person. _"Do it well"_ Ryuichi said.

"What the fuck is that?!" Tatsuha cried behind them, eyes glued to the screen. "I don't remember that vid!" he sat next to two of them.

The next scene was Yuki in bed with a woman. That was the video which had circulated around the world. Well-know video, indeed.

"I should have known! This was that idiot's plan." Yuki muttered, enraged. Shuichi was just staring at the screen, holding his hand. Tatsuha's face seemed nauseated.

"Ryu…Ryuichi?" he whispered. He could hear footsteps from behind.

And then the footsteps stopped. Tatsuha got up, piercing the vocalist with his dark, disappointed eyes.

"What the fuck is this, Ryuichi?!" he yelled, pointing at the screen. Ryuichi's face showed his uneasiness.

"Tatsuha…"

"I should've known! I should've known from the beginning!" he was pacing through the room. "Always: Shuichi this, Shuichi that…Non stop!" he entangled his long, trembling fingers in his dark hair.

"You don't get it…" Ryuichi started, just to be interrupted by his many years younger husband. "Why? Why were you lying to me?! You…you fucktard!"

"Aw, don't say words like that! Kumagoro is around!"

"Fuck the damn rabbit! It's a dead thing, you old man with the brain of a five year old!" Tatsuha pushed him. "You know nothing better, you pervert, than to play with your toys! Useless piece of shit!"

Shuichi gulped, feeling uneasy.

"Yuki, maybe we should go" he whispered.

"Why? I wanna see this drama." Yuki said flatly. "And later I'll deal with this retard."

The singer gulped again. What if some of them blurt out that Shuichi had never cheated on Yuki with any of them?

Ryuichi approached Tatsuha in order to hug him, to explain to him, but the younger pushed him away.

He stormed into another room and slammed the door. Ryuichi followed.

---

Tatsuha sat on the bed and Ryuichi kneeled before him, desperate.

"Tatsuha, please…" only then did he realize that Tatsuha was crying. The singer was wiping his tears with the corner of one of Kumagoro's ears. "Sweetheart, look at me…" when he saw Tatsuha wasn't resisting, he nuzzled the youth's nose. Tatsuha looked at him.

"Why is it, Ryuichi?" Tatsuha whispered. "Why are you the same as Tohma-san? He married Mika just to be closer to Eiri…"

"No, baby…I'm nothing like Tohma…"

"No, you're not. At least he can wipe his ass on his own." Tatsuha looked at him with mischievous eyes. He had to maintain his dignity. "You fuckin' dependent asshole. You cannot even jerk off on your own! Your rabbit has to do it for you! Pink as fuckin' Shuichi's hair!"

Ryuichi's eyes became glassy.

"You're so mean, Tatsuha! So mean!" he stood up, shaking his head. "So mean, so mean!" he started to cry, running out of the room.

Tatsuha rested his elbows on his thighs, and his face in his hands.

---

"So mean! Tatsuha's so mean!!!!" Ryuichi stormed out of the apartment.

"Follow him, Yuki! He might hurt himself!" Shuichi screamed, running to see if Tatsuha was fine.

Yuki obeyed, dissatisfied and exasperated. But that was the price he had to pay in order to make Shuichi's last days better. And, when he thought better, he had something to ask Ryuichi…

---

TBC…

* Uso (jap). Lie(s)


	15. Blackmail

**AN:** It took me too long to update, and I sincerely apologize! I hope you still read this.

Please make sure to review, thus support the author! :)

**Colder**

**Chapter 15; Blackmail**

"Tatsuha...Please calm down..." Shuichi is sitting beside his friend. He can comprehend how he must be feeling and it pains him. It turned out that no matter how both of them tried, they would never enjoy in their piece of happiness.

"He's a fucking liar, Shu-chan! Making me feel he's obesssed with me, yet he loves you..._you_, of all people!.." Tatsuha is still sobbing, his face buried in his hands. "Why does it always have to be liars around me?!"

Tatsuha, normally, would never cry. Some time after Ryuichi and he got married, it was discovered that Tatsuha suffered from some kind of a psychihal disorder. Nothing like his older brother's disorder, but the medications were prescribed to him. Without them, his condition would be worsening until the moment he'd completely gone insane.

Remembering this, Shuichi runs his fingers through Tatsuha's hair.

"Tatsu...have you taken your meds?" he asks in a gentle tone, still stroking his friend's hair.

"Those are bullshit! I can live without them!"

"No...you can't..." Shuichi stands up and heads to the bathroom to look for the medicine. This was much of a stress for the younger, and when you add his illness to that equation, the result is disaster. Shuichi can't help but sigh. He is deeply in concern.

He retreats with the pill and a glass of water, sitting beside his friend again. "Tatsu-chan, please...drink this...for me?"

Tatsuha lifts his head, looking disgustedly at the pill in Shuichi's hand. He barely sees it. His eyes are red and swollen. He has never cried until this evening. Only then did he realize the amount of love he holds for his eccentric, psychotic husband.

Hesitantly, he takes it at last, and Shuichi helps him with the water. Tatsuha's hands are still shaking, so Shuichi is the one to hold the glass and bring it to the former monk's lips.

"I never thought that my life would get so complicated, with the famous singer in it. I always thought this was something special. Never in my life have I felt this amount of love. I thought that it was impossible for one male to feel it, Shu-chan." he lies down on the bed, his body still shaking from small sobs. "Usually, when you love somebody so much, it is the one-sided love. It's never otherwise."

Shuichi knows that Tatsuha's theory is absolutely true. Why would Eiri ever cheat on him if he really loved him? Why has he come back in his life, to make a mess of it again?

"Maybe it isn't what you think it is, Tatsu..." Shuichi says, but not believing in his own words. It should be pleasant to him that he is loved by his idol, but somehow it isn't and it tastes bitter. Maybe because he's so mature now, nothing like when he was eighteen.

"Actions always speak louder, Shu-chan...." he says in a broken voice. "You know...you always remind me of him, and I always remind you of my brother...isn't it?"

Shuichi doesn't like where this is leading. "That was a long time ago. Not so much anymore."

"You can't have him, he's unreachable...Even thought you claim you're 'friends' now and he hides at your place because of the press..." Tatsuha props himself on his elbows, looking at the singer with a strange, twisted, broken look in his eyes. "Even though the press doesn't give a damn about it anymore, he's still at your place, hoping for something...for you to be his fool again. He fucked the whole Japan, every influental woman..."

"Tatsu, don't..." Shuichi places hands on his ears. The truth is so much painful for him to hear. But Tatshua yanks his hands away from his ears, pinning him down with all his strength. Shuichi is lying on his back, Tatsuha straddling him.

"I...I hoped that I could put you back together...that's why I made dinner. But...when I saw that even Ryuichi's love can't be everlasting; the man who never made a single problem to me...How can my brother ever be better to you...when all the extraordinary men turn into monsters?" tears are staining Shuichi's cheeks, but the tears belong to the younger.

Shuichi doesn't know what to say, even thought the truth is burning through his skin. He's immobile, surviving through catharsis.

"But you can have me, if you want. Be a bitch! Hurt him!" the black haired man said, claiming Shuichi's lips in one fierce kiss. Shuichi doesn't struggle, but he doesn't approve of this kiss.

"I'm with Aizawa Taki!" he exclaims, brethless. Tatsuha stares at him.

"The rapist?!"

"We made truce...It's a long story..." althought they're more friends than lovers, truth be told. "We..." Shuichi averts the look, choosing to look at the door. Tatsuha is still sitting on him. "We are actually friends...but he fell in love with me...and we do stuff sometimes, to annoy Yuki...But we never slept!" he looks at Tatsuha. He knows that this time, he has to lie in order to prevent any further unwanted happenings. "But I want to be with him! I really do!"

"Is that so, huh?..." Tatsuha lowers his head, sighing several times.

"Tatsuha...I lied to Yuki...I said I had a brain tumor...."

---

---

---

And there it goes. I said that so fluently, so easily. Tatsu is looking at me in a mixture pain and disbelief. I couldn't sleep with another friend of mine. I slept with Hiro, and barely preserved our friendship...But Tatsuha will hate be because of a totally different reasons. I couldn't keep it quiet anymore.

"I even forged the medical results. Yuki thinks I'm sick...And Taki is playing the role of my lover...And he supports me, yet he disapproves of the idea...I dunno what I was thinking when I had blurted that out!" I cover my face with my hands. Tatsu still can't recover from the things with which I'm feeding his brain.

"Please, Tatsu....don't hate me! Please don't say a thing to him!"

He caresses my cheek. I remove my hands to look at him. "Please tell me what to do...how to get out of this madness..."

His eyes still look weird. He's still on top of me.

"Hiro-san fucks K-san, but nevertheless, he loves Tohma-san. Maybe Eiri loves you, but...he fucks other people. Why won't you sleep with me, this one time, Shuichi?" he says in a husky voice, his face dangerously close to mine. I gulp. He so much looks like Yuki...

"Revenge will get you nowhere, Tatsu!"

"Can't you see how much I'm in pain? How much I'm in paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain?" he really sounds like lunatic now. "My husband and I helped you when _you_ were in pain, or have you already forgotten? We gave you a deep, wet kiss, just for the show. I helped you, but _you_ refuse to help me..." he stands up and takes a cigarette. Inhaling one deep smoke, he continues. "I love Ryu-chan, but I can fuck with you."

And I know that he is painfully right. "Otherwise you'll tell Yuki, right?" his eyes sparkled.

"Exactly, my friend."

"But, Tatsuha, what if Ryu-chan really meant nothing wrong? What if you're wrong? You'd cheat on him just like that? You say you love him, yet you act so childish!" he doesn't want to hear the truth. Perhaps because he took the medicine too late.

"Sex in exchange for silence! That's all I'm saying. No remorse, just good fuck. I don't care anymore, to be his fool!"

He straddles me again, his breath reeks on cigarette. He places it in the ashtray to burn out on its own.

"I'm with Aizawa Taki." I say. "I want to be with him."

"That bitch raped you. I will let you fuck me." he says, brushing his lips against mine ever so gently. "Shu-chan...I'm a mess..." Skillfully, he parts my lips with his tongue, but it displeases me.

I shove him, knowing that I have to make some kind of a compromise.

"Tatsuha...wait! Please..." he looks at me in irritation. "Let's...please let's talk to Sakuma-san! And if he really doesn't love you and loves...er...me, then we can have sex...What if...if...you make a mistake? Please..."

He lets go of me, falling on the bed, beside me.

"Promise?" he asks, as if he were a child.

"I promise."

"Please stay with me tonight...I'm afraid that I might do something stupid." It wouldn't be the first time he tried to cut his wrists. But that was before Ryuichi and the discovery of his disorder. That was harmless, in order to oppose his father. He used to cut his wrists there where he wouldn't bleed to death. He told me that once. This time, however...

I follow him to the shower, feeling completely empty and lost. I really don't know what to do anymore. Should I be the one to tell Yuki? He may hate me, but that's the only way I can do...I can't lie anymore.

Tatsuha puts on his clean boxers and I tuck him in. I lie beside him, in my clothes, wrapping one arm around his waist, his back turned towards me.

"I'm sorry, Shu-chan...I'm terribly sorry..." I hear him murmur.

---

---

---

TBC...?


	16. The Truce?

**AN:** I updated this, as I promised. I finally found time and a bit of inspiration to finish this. It's high time I did this. I owe you guys a huuuuge apology!

**Warning: Perhaps a bit of OOC, but my intention is to have my tragic heroes experience catharsis, so that really can't be called an OOCness, right? Anyway, decide for yourselves!**

**Please enjoy this, and make sure to ****review!**

**Colder**

**Chapter 16: The Truce?**

**Third person's POV**

Yuki was standing in one of the rooms of the NG building, quietly observing Ryuichi. The singer was sitting in the dark, in one chair, with the headphones on his ears. Whenever he was under pressure, Ryuichi found his way out of the situation through music. Only stupid people would find this man immature. He was immature by no means, however. Eiri was one of the rare people who could see through Sakuma Ryuichi.

The singer was pretending that he didn't feel the presence of the novelist, and was pretending to be listening to his precious music. What could he say to him, anyway? All of his reasons could be considered foolish and unnecessary. How could he explain his unstoppable urge to protect his younger colleague and precious friend. Shuichi had helped him many times. He'd only wanted to make sure that Yuki didn't bother the pink haired singer. Hence the prostitute or whatever; hence the words he'd said behind the camera. He knew that he'd messed up, and that he, though unintentionally, hurt his husband. His baby Tatsuha was not a child anymore, but he was fragile and infantile from time to time, much like he himself was. To top that all, Tatsuha had a mental disorder. He had some medications prescribed, and despite the fact that he hated taking them, he still did. Why he did that? Because he wanted Ryuichi to feel better. Everything he did was to please his husband. Tatsu was a selfless man. This frantic train of thought couldn't be stopped. He was falling more and more into despair with each revelation, or, better, things he already knew.

It'd been minutes since Yuki approached him, said something very, very cruel to him, but he couldn't hear him due to the headphones. Nor could he feel his presence anymore, since he was so deep in thought. It was when Yuki shook him several times that he came back to his senses. He looked at the novelist with blurry eyes, with the face of one adult male, who had finally decided to take responsibility for his sins. This might have taken Yuki by surprise, since he was not much accustomed to Ryuichi being all serious and mature, but we cannot know for sure, since he was so good at keeping his emotions obscure. Call it an emotional intelligence, or blame it on his mental disorder and asocial nature, whatever. He knew of this side of Ryuichi, but rarely had the chance to see it come on the surface. Back to Ryuichi. He took the headphones off, and placed them on the floor. It was time for the profound talk with his brother-in-law and his good friend's former lover.

Yuki was looking down at him with a certain amount of disdain, and with anger he didn't want to hide.

"You bastard." He said. "It was you who set me up that filthy whore!"

"But I didn't hear you complain. You were all over her, moaning and gasping, right?" Ryuichi replied, wit in his voice; you could practically touch the singer's aura, his other self. The presence of his great wisdom, like some sentinel, ethereal being, cocooning the singer. "All the tabloids were so delighted,"

"You damn…"

"So sue me, if you can, Yuki Eiri. Who would believe you? Or, beat me to a pulp. Everybody knows you're insane, for that matter. Why would you mar this beautiful face, the face of innocent, infantile Sakuma Ryuichi?" Tatsuha's husband knew how to make things clear. "Kumagoro would be displeased, you know, to see me all beaten up." He added, fondling the small plush toy, as if he were alive. It was evident that he was toying with Yuki.

"I just wanted to make it clearer to you:Stay. Away. From. Shuichi-kun! " The singer continued through gritted teeth. "He's had enough of you. " Yuki was enraged, but all he could do was listen. "But you should've known better than to go and impose on Shuichi. You shouldn't have found your refuge there, after the scandal. Nobody cares for you, and you're imposing on him like that, instead of just going home."

"For your information, Shuichi is seriously ill. " Yuki said. He was aware of his promise to Shuichi that he wouldn't tell anyone, but he thought that this situation required such a measure. Ryuichi narrowed his eyes.

"Huh? What?"

"He has a tumor." Yuki muttered darkly. "That's why I'm around him. I want to do whatever I can for him, but someone as immature as you can't understand that. Just look at you, you don't even know how to save your own marriage." He snorted. "You stormed out, screaming like a child who lost his toy. How pathetic. Not to mention you left Tatsuha to his own devices. You know he's ill." Yuki was throwing poisonous words at Ryuichi with all his might; both the things he meant and felt, and the ones he wasn't sure of. Words had always been his weapon, so why not using them? He was all bitter, for Ryuichi was right, maybe he shouldn't have come to Shuichi in a first place, after the incident. But it didn't matter. What Ryuichi knew anyway about them? Nothing. He didn't even know that Shuichi was dying. Talk about good friends.

After some seconds, the singer closed his wide open mouth, collecting himself. There it was, ethereal materialization of his wit could be felt in the air, ready for a counterattack. Ryuichi cleared his throat.

"If he were ill, Shuichi would have told me himself. I think that's a lie. But only you are foolish enough to believe everything he says. He's so damn hurt, and all you can see is yourself, all you care for has always been you and you alone, Yuki Eiri."

"You're wrong. That man doesn't love me anymore."

"Or so you're told. You really don't know anything about him. Do you think that his love, his fanaticism with which he pestered you all these years could disappear in a flash of lighting?" He snapped his fingers. "Just like that? Think again, Mr. Novelist." Ryuichi said, standing up, ready to leave. "And don't pretend you think about Tatsuha's well-being. You never cared for your brother." He passed next to Yuki, heading to the door. "And I never left my husband alone. I know he's hurting right now. I know my reaction was wrong, but, what the heck, I'm mentally ill as well as you two are. I just have a different disorder, that's all. I can't help it. I will fix my mistake. Besides, nothing can go wrong if I left him with Shuichi, right?"

Yuki's eyes dangerously glimmered in darkness, with anger that was subsiding. The things Ryuichi had told him were defeating. Once again, he was in wrong. _Again_. 'I failed to protect you, yet again.' He was desperate. 'I want to change. I want to change for better.'

"Wait, Sakuma!" he ran after the writer. He had to talk to Shuichi.

* * *

When Tatsuha opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Ryuichi, caressing his face with Kumagoro's ears.

"Tatsuha!" he screamed, throwing himself at the younger, almost suffocating him. "I'm sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry!" He started kissing him all over his face. "And I wouldn't blame you even if you had an affair with Shu-chan!" He exclaimed. "I'm such a terrible, terrible husband!" Tatsuha had been caught by surprise, but his bewildered expression softened, and he patted Ryuichi on the head,

Now that he had slept for a bit, his thoughts seemed clearer. His reaction had been in place. He'd been jealous, and this thing Ryuichi had done was really misleading, right? He sighed, playing with Ryuichi's hair. "Nah. You're just a little awkward, that's all."

"I did this only to help Shu-chan, I swear! That's why I hired that woman to sleep with Yuki! Kumagoro saw it! He knows! Damn, _he_ recorded it!" His eyes were huge, and he looked like a child whose parents didn't believe him that he wasn't the one who had broken the window. "You know that, don't you?" He nuzzled the younger's neck. "But Yuki is so stupid and selfish. And I think Shu-chan is in trouble. " Tatsuha looked at him in question. Ryuichi straightened up, and told him what he knew.

Tatsuha only shrugged. "I guess it can't be helped. It would be better if we never interfere ever again." He said. "No matter how much we helped, or _tried_ to help" He emphasized. "I think we can't do a single thing."

Ryuichi agreed.

In the living room of Uesugi-Sakuma household, Shuichi was sitting on the other side of the room, waiting for Eiri to process the information he'd just told him. He'd told him everything: that Taki wasn't his lover at all, that it was just a performance; that he still loved him, and, finally the worst part, that he wasn't ill at all. He'd lied to him because he wanted to keep him by his side and torture him, yet he never enjoyed any of it. He couldn't sleep at night.

"I guess we're even then." Yuki finally said, his voice quiet and flat. "I cheated on you for years. I was a drunkard as well. I insulted you, never showed any kind of remorse. And you did…all of this. I can't say which one is worse. Both things are equally agonizing. So why don't we put the end to it?"

"Yu-Yuki? What do you mean?" Shuichi knew the game was over. Deep inside, he felt relieved. He'd told the tormenting truth. But the feeling of disgust towards himself didn't miraculously vanish, as he'd expected. And there was the fear of the unknown as well. What would Yuki do? Was he hurt? Was he surprised? Was he…?

"Should we stay together, or go separate ways?" the novelist wondered out loud. "Even though I hate to admit it, I love you, you stupid brat. Hell, I even chased after you, after everything I'd done to you. " He snorted. "How pathetic." He smiled bitterly.

"I-I don't know, Yuki." Shuichi said with a calm tone of his voice, even though he felt a volcano deep inside him erupt. He wanted to be all hysterical, like he used to be when he was eighteen; when he was mad about Yuki, so infatuated, so in love, so hopelessly, helplessly in love…But he remained calm and tried to sound reasonable.

"My feelings from when I was eighteen never changed. I still feel the same, Yuki. Even after everything I've been through with you and because of you. Some people would be fed up with this all, but I…I'm still in this game we play…I dunno what it is, but I think it's fate…It's…how should I put it…Gravitation."

Yuki turned towards him, having a cigarette between his delicate fingers. He couldn't deny that he was hurt, but it was only fair, wasn't it? Both of them had their share of pain. "This is what we're gonna do, brat." He announced. "Since this is obviously how we function, and we obviously will never part ways permanently, I think we should stick together. We'll inevitably hurt each other, but that's the way we are, I guess?" He took a drag of his cigarette, and waited for Shuichi's answer.

The singer thought for a second, then his sad eyes met with Yuki's expressionless ones. Then he smiled and nodded. It all looked like a happy ending for them, but was it?

After some time, he managed to say something that had been bothering him for a long, long time.

"Yuki?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't talk badly about Hiro. He's just confused; he lost his way. Even though he's the most reasonable man of us all, he's still just human."

"Yeah, I guess." The novelist said, but he really didn't care.

* * *

**THE END**


End file.
